Saturday, December 31, 2011

The end of another year

Today is the last day of 2011.  I'm not one to make resolutions on this day, I have made too many promises to myself to use this day as an excuse to make more. 

One day at a time for is just another day to keep planning my food, sticking to my plan, and cleaning up my side of the street.  Just like every other day.

But, to be 100% honest, I did want the scale to be below 230 by the end of the year. 
And today I hit 229.5!  I know I have no control over the numbers on the scale, but I can be happy when they go my way.
The trick is to not be depressed when they don't...

12/31/11 - weight:    229.5
                Protein:      156
                      Fat:      151
                      Ecc:       40
                       Cal:   2488

We are going out for steak tonight.  I will have steamed veggies (no potato) and a Caesar salad with no croutons.  There is no alcohol in the casino restaurant we're eating so we'll have some red wine later.  Otherwise I had eggs and a chicken sausage for breakfast and for lunch I'll have burger with mayo and mustard.  Then, throughout the day I will have four cream cheese clouds.

Oh, I want to report back regarding yesterday.
First, the restaurant we planned on going at the Science Museum (with the burger and cheese curds) was closed!  So we had to wing it.  I HATE winging it.

So instead I had a bunless hot dog with a bowl of chili (about 1.5cups of chili).  It was a lot of meat with half black beans and half chili beans, which means the carb content was lower (black beans are lower in carbs).  I also got a little container of veggies and dip.  I was really full when done eating, but it kept me satisfied for the entire night and I had no desire to eat when we got home four hours later (WHEW).
I don't have actual counts because chili varies in carbs so much, but what is most important is that I feel I made the best choices available to me.

The Science Museum was great!  We where there FIVE hours! 
There was a man who created a little device that looks like the straw hats they wear to work in rice paddys.  It had six windows with camera's pointing out each window.  He was able to drop it down in a road and a tornado went right over it, and he caught it all on film!
So we sat in a circle of screens and was able to watch the tornado go right over the top of us.  It was awesome!!!
We heard people telling what it was like to live through Katrina, and we learned a lot about the four different types of volcano's (did you know there are four types??).
We chose a night the museum was open late and hardly any children (or people) were there.  It was FANTASTIC!!

Tonight we're going to a concert (and the steak restaurant mentioned above) and possible to a party after, or just home for a glass of wine in the light of the Christmas tree.  Either way, it should be a fun day with a great evening with friends! 

Hope you enjoy your last day of 2011!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Keep rollin

I'm still here, I'm still keeping my food counts, I'm still planning my meals.
One day at a time, right?

12/30/11 - weight 231
                  Protein:  135
                  Fat:  133
                  Ecc: 44
                  Cal:  2157

We are going to the Science Museum tonight to experience Nature Unleashed.
I'm as giddy as a small child at Christmas!  I am fascinated by weather and the power it can unleash

While we're at the museum, we will eat supper.  I will have a bunless burger and 15 cheese curds.  If I don't think the curds look good, or if I think I cannot stop eating at 15, I will have a double burger with no bun and NO cheese curds.

These are the conversations I have with myself....if you cannot follow the guidelines for certain foods, then you don't get any.
I'm not sure why this works for me, but it does.  My problem?  I have to remember to SET guidelines, which I don't like to do because once a guideline is set, then I have to follow it.
Oy the games we play in our heads, eh? I have guidelines, and I will follow them.  And if I cannot, I have a backup plan (which does NOT include going crazy and eating everything in sight *wink*).

Hope you all have a good day!

Thursday, December 29, 2011


I have terribly neglected my blog.  For that I am truly sorry.

I had to get some things figured out, and then the holiday hit, and then I had a bunch of friends/family having surgeries or in the hospital...needless to say it's been a whirlwind!

But I'm back...again...*blush*

My abstinence is strong as usual, but my carb eating has not been monitored in much too long, so I started counting again on Tuesday.  Here are my catchup stats:
   12/27/11 - weight 234 (YIKES!)
                     Protein:  130
                     Fat:  150
                     Ecc: 30
                     Cal:  2049
   (ate pretty normal as to how I like to eat: meat, fruits, veggies - this was a pretty
     ideal day)

   12/28/11 - weight 232.5
                     Protein:  132
                     Fat:  133
                     Ecc: 41
                     Cal:  2168
   (attended my partners work party, had wine and gnocci, low on fruits and

   12/29/11 - weight 231
                     Protein:  116
                     Fat:  113
                     Ecc: 44
                     Cal:  1712
   (this is my plan for today so it may alter by end of day, plenty of fruits and 
    veggies planned, little light on protein, may add some if hungry)

What?  These mean nothing to you??  Let me share my food guidelines.

Protein:    I need a minimum of 98g, but feel best when I have about 130
Fat:         This number should be very similar to my protein number.  However,
               there are days I have <100g protein so I up my fat to at least 150g,
               and similarly if my protein is >160, I try to reduce my fat.  This can
               happen when I eat tuna (lower protein so I add mayo and avocado)
               or eat a big steak (lots of protein but lower in fat). 
Ecc:         I aim for this to be <45, but am fine if it goes up to 60 occasionally. 
               But no more than 60.
Calories:  I don't monitor these, I am always just curious as to what they are :)

There you have eating guidelines in a nutshell.  For my actual food plan, please see this post.

How about you?
Are you on track now, or are you waiting for the New Year to make a new resolution to lose weight?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Stepping on the scale

I did it. It took me a couple days, but I actually did it!
I stepped on the scale after Thanksgiving!


My weight is the same.
WHEW!  I was very worried.  I don't believe I ate too MUCH food (portions), but being at my mother-in-laws (MIL), I didn't have all the types of foods I would normally have available, and therefore ate what was there.
My MIL is a carb addict...and I know this because I have seen her eat, I have heard her talk, and I recognize my own addiction in her. 
And she has admitted that she would be unable to give up bread (or alcohol, but that's another story).  And I see the look in her eye when she says it...she shares my carb addition. 
It's not chocolate for her, it's breads and rolls and buns and crackers. 
Yep, I totally get that.

Anyway...back to me.
When I returned, I had some carbs to finish off (another sign of my addiction - I cannot just throw carbs away, I have to finish them off).  Then Monday I went to 2 shakes, one meal, and two protein snacks.  I'm doing the same meal plan today.
It helps me get OFF the carbs again.

So, what do you do to "recover" from a food holiday?

(ps...I did bring some of my own food to eat, I wasn't totally at a loss for low carb foods.  But I never quite know what I'm getting into as some seemingly "safe" foods are made "unsafe" by her.  For example, she puts sugar in deviled eggs-something I would have NEVER expected and therefore cannot prepare.)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Vacation is over

We are sitting in our vacation condo drinking coffee on our final morning of our vacation...

It has been eight glorious days of rest and relaxation, and I suppose I'm ready to go home to my regular routine.
But...I know my eating has to be reined in, and, being a food addict, that makes me sad. 
I'm willing to rein it it, but I know it's hard.  REALLY hard sometimes.

But I'm willing...and that is the first step.

So on the drive home I'll open my laptop and plan my meals for the week.  Then when we get home I'll go shopping and get my meals cooked for the week.  And it will feel good.

But for the next 10 minutes, I'm just going to sit here and allow myself to be sad.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm baaaaack!!

It took for-EVER but I'm finally feeling better!  I had the worst cold I've ever had, and the cough is still with me.

I have very very mild asthma, but it has really been affected with this cold and I have used my inhaler every 4 hours every day for the last three weeks!  I've never used that much inhaler since I got asthma 8 yrs ago!!
Anyway...I'm better now.

And we are currently on vacation.
We're in a resort town in northern Minnesota.  It's beautiful as the lakes are sheets of glass, the skies are quite blue, the leaves are browns and reds and golds (past their prime but still very pretty) and you can see through the tree trunks to see wildlife.  It is my favorite time of the year! is not the best time of the year for resorts. 
Everything is closed.
The golf is closed.
The fishing charters have stopped.
The amusement parks and tourist stops are closed.
The only thing open are gift shops...and only half of them are open.
So we spend our days hiking in the woods and shopping.
It's not a bad vacation-life....but we are starting to feel like we're missing out on quite a bit of the items one should see when in this area.  And we're starting to get bored...

Now to the food.
No wait, the food here is delicious...but I find myself doing waaaaay too much munching!  And not on items I'm happy to be munching! 
Too many carbs.  Too many smaller meals instead of three defined meals.   Not enough protein.
And I feel stuffed. 
We are spending a bit of time in a swimming pool and therefore in swimming suits...and I feel like I LOOK stuffed.

I really have to get back on track and actually lose the 20lbs I KNOW I need to lose.

I have started and restarted and restarted losing these same 20 lbs about a million times.
I am able to start and stick with it for awhile...but I would love suggestions on how to STAY on it past the first five days...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Stuff a stuffy nose

I'm sad to say I'm still sick.  This cold has grabbed me and is holding on with both hands! 
I have finished our Robitussin, Musinex, NyQuil, and our puffs with aloe.  We've never been "out" of cold medications before!

When I'm sick...I want to eat.  I have been fighting it for days.  It is helpful that my nose is so stuffed I have to chew with my mouth open.  Many would just stop eating.  Maybe drink some broth or soup.   But I am a food addict...I still want to eat.  I am finding myself eating about every three hours.  Thank goodness I am not eating very much each "meal".  A third an order of boneless ribs and rice, tomato soup, oatmeal.  Not foods I choose very often, but they are here in the house (well, I ordered the Chinese) and I'm home alone so that is what I'm eating. 

Tonight I'll have soup again, but tomorrow I'm going to make chili.  I'm going to cook it up and put it in the crock pot to stew all day.  I really hope I can smell it stewing!

Hope you are enjoying the fall weather...its is my absolute favorite time of the year!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

sick, blech

Just a very quick check in to apologize for not keeping up the blog.  I've gotten sick, and it's wiped me out!
I cannot believe how tired I am with this cold.  I have mild asthma and I get these colds and it goes right to my lungs and it's simply exhausting...SUCK!

But, I wanted to let you know that other than crackers with my soup last night, I have remained on plan and am down six pounds! 

Thanks for staying with me, and I'll be back soon!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Back on Track...again

I have allowed myself to eat what I want when I want it for the"while". 
I haven't eaten my abstinence foods, nor have I had any desire to do so.  I just haven't been planning or pre-cooking or all the things I do to stay on track.

BUT that stopped this week.

My breakfasts and lunches are planned, cooked, and ready to be eaten.  My suppers are planned in the mornings so I don't have to figure anything out when I'm hungry after work.
Now I just need the weight to FALL off of me!!  Come on fat...fall!!!


Don't we all wish it was that easy???

Meanwhile, I am on week three of a problem with my foot.  It feels weird and sometimes turns red and swells.  I went to my regular doctor and she was "stumped".  She sent me to a sports medicine doctor thinking it was a tendon issue, and she was "stumped".  Those two doctors chatted today and have decided to send me to a dermatologist.  I'm sure it's nothing, but the feelings are there, and they are fairly consistent, so we need to get it figured out.

Wish me luck at my THIRD doctor tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I'm falling apart

I'm falling apart.

Not mentally...thank goodness my mind is intact...well, as intact has it has ever been. 
I mean physically.  The list of pains in my body seem to grow DAILY!

I've had four car accidents within a one year time span (none of them my fault) so I have neck pain, upper back pain, low back pain, and I visit the chiropractor often.  It seems my pelvis is tilted.  Because of this I have trochanteric bursitis, psoas muscle tightness, and piriformis syndrome which causes my SI joint to seize and put my back out.  My feet have gone completely flat (probably because of being extremely obese and not wearing proper shoes) so I have IT band tightness, along with arthritis and bursitis in my knees and I'm destroying my patellas. 

What's that?  You don't know what half these things are?  I didn't either.  But you learn fast when you're in pain.

So....I went to the doctor yesterday.  I think that I have some weird infection in my foot as it's red and slightly swollen and it hurts to wear shoes.  Wait, it doesn't hurt, it feels like my foot is extremely sunburned and therefore my shoe rubs on it and it's very irritating.
My doctor is stumped.  It's not an infection, it's not cellulitis.  She wonders if it's tendonitis and is sending me to sports medicine.
Great...yet another thing wrong with my body.  sigh....

However, I will not stop living my life!  I just won't do it! 

I am going dancing on Saturday night.  We're going to a state park on Sunday to enjoy the leaves and have a picnic.  I am going to the gym each night to do my physical therapy.  I will walk the neighbors dog.  I will crawl around on the floor with my nieces and nephews.  I will clean the house, I will rake the yard, I will do whatever I need to do and will NOT let this issues stop me from living life. 
Because I believe that once I stop moving, I'll never be able to start again.

What about you?  Will you keep moving?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Full of fun!!

I love to be out and about.  I love to have things to do and I have already started planning for Christmas (yes it is October 4th).

So the fact that I cannot decide what to do this coming weekend is KILLING me!!

I can go fishing or dancing

Fishing pros:
The walleye are biting! 
The weather is gorgeous.
It's charter fishing, so I don't have to prepare anything but snacks.

Fishing cons:
It's a 2hr drive each way and 4hrs of fishing, so it's a full eight hour day.
Did I mention the 2hr drive each way??

Dancing pros:
My favorite local band is playing
My friends want to go dancing with me so it will be a big group
It's a 15min drive and free parking

Dancing cons:
Did I mention the fish are biting???

So you see my dilemma.  Too great options for the weekend. 
I've tried to figure out how to do both, but if I charter fish in the early am, I have to be up at 5, and I'm not sure I'd have the energy to dance until 1am...that's a LONG day.

Oh what to do what to do....

Monday, October 3, 2011

For the love of popcorn...

I traveled last weekend to another state to visit my family.
(On a side note, the leaves are changing colors and it was an absolutely gorgeous drive!)

I left right after work on Friday and got home at 6pm on Sunday.  That means that means 7 meals were either on the road or a touch out of my control.  My family is pretty good at meeting all our various food needs, but when there are so many at some point you give in and just make a meal. 

So on Friday night I stopped at fast food at 5pm.  By the time I got to my hotel at 9:30 I was hungry again so I stopped at a grocery store and got cheese/fruit cup (yummy!!).
Saturday we had omelets, then grilled meats and chips (I don't eat chips so I had grilled meats and veggies and an apple), then we had chili. 
Now chili is a strange item for me.  I don't crave it, but when I do eat it, I want it to be thick with cheese and crackers.  So much so that it should be more of a casserole than a soup.  Therefore, I don't have it very often. 

Sunday we had eggs and fruit (there were bagels and donuts but those were not for me), and I had a lunch of fast food on the road home. 

By Sunday night, I was so out of my element of food that I couldn't process what to have for a meal.  I also wasn't exactly sure I was hungry?

When this happens, my solution is popcorn.  Just popcorn.  Probably too much popcorn?  I try to avoid carbs, so of course popcorn is not a food I eat very often.  It's made when we have backyard fires, or when sports are on TV.  Or, for me, it sometimes serves as my supper.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I don't believe I am addicted to popcorn. I don't usually buy it when I go to movies.  I can skip it when others are making/having it.  I HATE microwave popcorn. 
But I'm not sure how I feel about substituting popcorn for a meal?

Are there certain foods you tend to eat when you can't figure out a meal?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Learning to breathe again

Recently my low back went out and I was laid up for three days.  And when I say "laid up" I mean I couldn't handle the intense pain unless I was laying down.  It. Was. Awful.

So I've been going to physical therapy (PT) for a couple weeks now trying to strengthen some areas and lessen the chances of it ever happening again.  Because I'll do ANYTHING to make sure that never happens again!

I am flexible.  I am able to bend and put my palms all the way down on the floor.  But instead of curving my back like most people, I fold in half at the hips, while my back stays perfectly straight.  Doesn't sound bad, right?  But it is.

My PT said my low back is constantly "engaged" and we have teach my body to let go so those muscles can relax and I can curve my back.  I am doing a lot of back-curved bending and "opening up" my ribcage and taking deep breaths.  (it's not as simple as I made it sound, but figured you didn't want the 30 minute explantion).

So I got to thinking...why is my low back always engaged? 
Does it hurt so I'm protecting it?  No
Is it not flexible and therefore unable to curve?  No
So what is it?

Now that I've been doing the exercises and "loosening" my back I had a moment of clarity as to why it is engaged!  I had just finished my PT and was walking out of the gym and there was a glass door.  I saw my body and WITHOUT THINKING sucked in my gutt.  And at that moment, I felt my entire low back re-engage.

Awhile back I noted that I have (for YEARS) sucked in my gutt.  That I have very strong abs because I am constantly sucking in my gutt.
Well, years of me sucking in my gutt may have strengthened my abs, but has screwed up my back!!  ACK!!

So I've been focusing on NOT looking at my stomach and NOT sucking it in. 
Did you know (and you probably did) that you get a LOT more OXYGEN when you aren't sucking in your stomach?!   LOL!
No WONDER I had such issues doing cardio!  I only had 1/3 the lung capacity (yes, I suck in my gutt when working out!).
No WONDER I get so tired walking and talking! 
No WONDER my back finally gave out!  The muscles are EXHAUSTED!

So there you have it.  I am giving up on attempting to hide my thick torso. 
Go ahead, have a look.  Here I am...take me or leave me. 
Cause I not losing breath over it anymore!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Make a plan, yes, but actually follow it...?

I am the queen of planning.  I can plan a month of activities in 15 minutes.  I can plan a vacation in 5. 
All I need is a pen and paper and the internet.
And yes, I do like to write out my plans with an actual pen and paper.

I have planned my meals for this work week.
Breakfast:  3hard boiled eggs, 3 turkey sausages, 1 apple
Lunch:  Lasagna (made with low carb noodles and sauce), and lettuce
Supper:  meatloaf and steamed green veggies.

On Sunday I went to the store, I purchased, and I cooked everything I needed.

However, one.  I didn't follow my plan.

I ALMOST made it, but instead of green veggies, I had pretzels with my meatloaf.
Not the end of the world as I didn't have that many, but certainly not as "healthy" as green veggies.

I always strive to follow my plans. 
And I am ready to try again tomorrow.

The food is cooked, measured, and packaged for breakfast and lunch.  Supper is ready to be cooked. 
I can do this!  I can!  I.  Can.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Unknown events

I am going boating on a river with a friend today.
First let me say that it's only going to be 64 degrees and misting.  Yuck!
But anyway...

Being the food addict that I am, I keep trying to ask how long we'll be out on the boat.  I've asked three times so I can plan any food necessary.  But I have not yet gotten a response and we leave in 2hours.

I don't want to bring food if I don't have to, but yet if I don't bring something, I could get stuck in a bad situation.

So, I will bring something.  An apple, some almonds, a few soda's.  Something I can share in case I'm the only one with "snacks".

Planning ahead has saved me enough times that I don't care if I look silly bringing a bag of goodies, better safe than sorry.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Celebrating with food

I grew up (as I suspect many other have as well) that celebrations were rife with food.
And I don't think that's a bad thing.

But....I tend to make a celebration out of MANY things so that it can be centered around food.
For example....tonight we're having a few friends over for a backyard bonfire, and I'm serving popcorn and HUGE marshmallows.  Have you seen those?  They're a HOOT!

So, this doesn't seem like a big deal, right?  Some snacks with the campfire??

But the snacks I chose are two items I try not to eat.  Carbs and sugar.

So what about a "celebration" makes it okay to eat outside our box??
How many of us have "ruined" our eating plans because it was somebodies birthday, or wedding, or anniversary, or or or?

And then once we're off and running...we realize we are not actually running, we're sliding controllable down a very slippery slope to food-coma once again.

What is it about a food addicts mind that we suddenly have "permission" to break out of our regular eating?


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Life with pets

My partner and I are dog sitting.  It's a 10 day stint watching my brothers 2 labs (3yrs and 1yr).

I.  Am.  Exhausted.

I realize that pet owners probably have a routine in place, and there is a comfort level within the dogs that, when pet sitting, are missing.  But holy cow.

They are extremely active dogs.  They can entertain themselves, but what that means is that the younger one attacks the older one and they bounce around the living room or backyard growling and barking at each other.  And sometimes one of them likes to be leaning on me while they're fighting.  So I am "involved" in their play and I can't really relax.

Then there's the adjustment to my daily schedule.
I use to hit the snooze until 6:15, but now I'm up at 5:45 so I can get them fed and throw the ball a couple times so they will be a bit calmer (more tired) on their walk.  Around 6:15 my partner gets up and takes them for a walk, one at a time since one walks good on a leash and the other needs MUCH more training.  So I have to have an ear out for the home bound dog to make sure they are not attacking our cats or tearing up the garbage. 

Then I have to go right home after work.  No more running errands or stopping at a store "just because" or meeting up for happy hour.  Straight home.  Let them out.  Throw the ball....A LOT.  Then prepare supper and have it ready so when my partner gets home, we can eat, then walk the dogs (each of us takes one and we go our separate ways).   By the time we're done, it's 8:30pm and we haven't done any dishes or vacuuming.  Heck, we haven't even opened the front door and gotten the mail!   We go upstairs at 9pm and then the cats need our attention.  They are lap cats and need/want a lot of attention throughout the day, but since the dogs are downstairs, they request attention at night.  In fact, they demand it all.  night.   long.


Why am I telling you all of this?  My food choices and eating have been terrible.  One night I was so tired I made popcorn for supper.  POPCORN.  For someone who struggles when eating too many carbs, that was not a choice I would prefer.  But I didn't have the energy to make anything else. 
Yesterday I went to the store (finally) and got a bucket of chicken and some shredded chicken.  I didn't have any protein in the house, and although these are not the best choices, they are pre-cooked protein.  I buy deli turkey all the time, but as soon as I get it in the house, my partner snatches it up.  I truly think she eats 2lbs of deli turkey every five days!  I'm not a tuna fan, and canned chicken only goes so far. 

I know, I'm whining...But I'm tired, and that's what I do. 

What do you do when you have no time?  When work is super busy or the kids have a million games and activities all over the country all within a two day weekend?   What is your process or plan??

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Feeling full

I feel full lately. 
I feel like my skin is being stretched beyond it's normal limits and that there is a balloon inside me constantly filling with air and making me bigger and bigger. 
My weight is the same.
My clothes fit the same.
But I swear I am filling up.  Bursting at the seams.  Bloating.

I do not have a uterus, so I am not aware of my time of the month.  But I know my body still cycles.  Is it possible I'm cycling?  If I don't have a uterus, do you still bloat? 

When I'm having these FULL feelings, I want to live off of brothy soups and pure liquids.  However, since I'm not sick, my body wants, nay, my body needs sustenance.  I have to eat so that I don't get too hungry.  Cause boy-howdy if I get too hungry I won't STOP eating!  EEK

But it's a struggle, because internally it feels natural to cut back, but the food addict in me wants to completely restrict.  It's not only a physical's a MENTAL struggle, which is even more exhausting than running a marathon (I've never run a marathon, I can only imagine how terribly exhausting it would be).

So, I'm reporting that for today, I will eat normal meals but think "lightly" when choosing the foods (green veggies over heavy starches, etc).  And maybe this weekend I'll make a chicken veggie soup that is stuffed full of chicken and veggies so it can be a complete meal for me.

Do you struggle with feeling "full" then resisting restrictive eating??

Monday, September 12, 2011

You Hose-r!!

I have inherited bad veins in my legs (thanks Mom!!), so I have worn pantyhose every day of my life for the last 10 years.
I just wear regular support hose, not prescription, although my mother wears prescription hose, so who knows what's in my future...

I have grown to appreciate wearing hose.  Here are some of my reasons:
  1. I don't have to shave my legs as often, the hose buffer the hair.
  2. I have lost a lot of weight and my skin is loose and saggy in places.  The hose hold my thighs and butt firm so I don't "jiggle".  This is also very helpful when I wear a dress as the tops of my thighs touch/rub and it's nice to have a slippery buffer so I don't get sore.
  3. The support I get from the hose really do help me stay energized through the entire day.
  4. They make my legs look tan without having to do any of the sunning work!
  5. My varicose veins and spider veins have actually "reversed course" from the bulgy ugly beasts they use to be.
Now to be fair, I do have reasons I do NOT like wearing them.  Here are a few:
  1. I cannot wear flip flops.  Well, I can...but it looks terrible and it's not worth it.
  2. People look at me funny sometimes, especially when I'm wearing shorts and they notice the hose.
  3. It's difficult to go on a beach vacation when I have to go back to the room to put on the hose just so I can walk down the beach.  I have walked it without the hose, but my legs ache when I'm done.
  4. It's hard to get a pedicure without a lot of preplanning.
I know wearing hose is taboo these days, but it's what I have to do, and after ten LONG years, I'm mostly okay with it.  But, there are still a few occasion when it embarrasses me.
I went dancing the other night and I was wearing Capri's.  People started talking about leg hair and started feeling everyone's legs. I just put mine under the table and turned away from the conversation.  I don't like to draw attention to my legs AT ALL!
Another time is when it's really really hot.  I HATE when people tell me how miserable I must be in hose.  I'm not.  I'm actually quite use to them and don't notice temperature differences with or without them.
And finally.  Meeting new people.  If you hand around me long enough, you'll notice I'm wearing hose.  I went to a party hosted by my partners best friends and it was one of the first times I was meeting them.  It was really really hot and the party was outside, so I was wearing shorts.
The next day I overheard the friends asked my partner "whats with the pantyhose" and they laughed and laughed.  My partner handled it with a lot of grace and kindness, and the friends understood (after remarking how awful it would be to where them in the heat *see above*) and they haven't said another word.  But this exchange is quite common, and it gets old.

So yes...yes, I am wearing hose.
Feel free to call me a hose-r.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Checking in

Boy, I told myself I'd write every day, and I just realized I have missed FIVE DAYS??  Weird!!

Things are going well, although eating is odd.  For example, tonight I had pudding and peas for supper.  What's up with that?  And not a lot of either, just a few bites.  I am just not hungry at nights.  But I think I'm getting enough food during the day so I'm not worried. 

It is Sunday evening, and I'm exhausted after my busy weekend, but I will write tomorrow, and I will put a lot more thought into what I have to say.

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Shakin' it!

The state fair is finally over and my back is finally on the mend.
Therefore it's was time again to step on the scale...


Not the worst, but higher than the last time I weight almost a month ago. 
Sooo I'm back on the "shakes for some meals" kick which helps me get control of my eating. 

My plan is to have a shake for breakfast and supper, and have two mini meals in between.
For example, today I had a shake at 7:30am, then 6 slices hard salami at 11am, then low carb goulash and edamame at 2:30, then a shake at 6pm and nuts at 7pm.
I am done eating for the day.
My protein is about 145, carbs are 38, and calories are just under 1500...all very good counts for me although I would like to increase my fats and lower my protein, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  Eventually I'll eat more things like avocado, but right now I want to eat the fresh cukes and zucchini from my garden.

Tomorrow I will have a zucchini with the hard salami.  I love hard salami, but it is soooooo salty and greasy that I think it would be good to have something with it.  And I had calculated a zucchini and a small cucumber into my day but wasn't able to squeeze it in. 

I was pretty hungry at 10:30 and at 6pm but otherwise I felt comfortable all day.

My shakes consist of 3oz ricotta with about a ounce of water because my current ricotta is so very dry.  I put in 3oz of fresh strawberries, about 1/3 of an individual packet of crystal light (my shake needed more flavor), 30g of protein powder (GNC Amp vanilla), and a handful of ice cubes.  It's very thick and yummy like a strawberry milkshake. 

So there you go...I'm shaking it up.  I think tomorrow I'll make a dreamsicle flavored shake...Mmmmm.

9-6-11   226

Monday, September 5, 2011

Is free time really free?

Today is a holiday.  I have the day off.  FREE TIME!!!!!

However, a free day can turn into a feeding frenzy.  I remember the days I would PLAN for my day off or holiday by scheduling when and what I would be eating.  My pre-breakfast pastry with coffee, then breakfast.  Of course there's the lunch that required cooking (so I could nibble while preparing).  The afternoon snack which was something like a family sized bag of chips so I could eat all afternoon.  Then supper would be delivery...a LOT of delivery.  Enough you'd get four fortune cookies because the delivery place thought it was enough for four people!
And no leftovers.

Yes, that was my old life.

Today, I started my day with coffee (no pastry).  I cooked breakfast which followed my food plan.  It's almost lunch time and I have a lunch planned...and it follows my food plan as well.  I've been cleaning and freezing garden items and reading the newspaper and doing all kinds of things that, during a feeding frenzy, I don't have the energy or desire to do, because I'm drowning in my food coma.

We make choices each and every day.  And we only have to make the one day at a time.
What choice are you making today?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Rainy days and...Saturdays?

It's the Saturday of a three day weekend and it's going to rain on and off all day. 

How wonderful!!

I'm going to the State Fair on Sunday but don't have anything planned today or Monday?!

The old me would have seen this type of weekend as a pure uninterrupted FOOD FEST!  I would have eaten myself silly so that come Tuesday morning, you would have had to roll me to work where I would have accomplished nothing because I was in a food coma.
(I'm not the only one who has experienced food coma's right??)

But that's not me anymore.  That's not how I choose to spend my three day weekends. 

When I realized it was raining today, my brain went directly to three books I'm trying to finish, not to what I was going to eat.  In fact, I've decided to have a shake for at least one meal so I wouldn't have to stop reading to cook! 

And at the Fair tomorrow, the food I'm looking forward to is "salad on a stick".  Sure, I will eat something deep fried as well (probably cheese curds which I'll share with everyone), but that's not what I'm focused on!  Pure progress. 

I hope you have a wonderful three day weekend and because of this weekend's "extra day" get to do something you normally don't have time to do, and I really hope that's not eating.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Am I too loose??

I met with my physical therapist Curt yesterday. 
I have had to go see Curt at least once a year for the last four years.  It's often enough that he knows me even though he hasn't seen me since last summer.

Anyway, after I told him of my current ailment, and started complaining about my body that seems to crap out on me so often, he told me I was "too loose". 

I have previously been told I'm hyper-flexible, by doctors, by personal trainers, and by my chiropractor.  And I always thought it was a compliment????

But to my physical therapist, who is ultimately speaking for my body, it is NOT a compliment, it's a hindrance.

My body can move so much that my ligaments are straining all. the. time.
My hips, my back, my knees, my elbows, my shoulders...all of them have at one time or another gotten mad at me for over flexing them and therefore causing the ligaments to strain and pull the bones or muscles out of place and be used incorrectly.
And as I get older (I turned 40 last June), my ligaments don't bounce back like they used to.

I still remember the days when 2 ibuprofen actually "cured" the pain.

Now I have to take 4 just to feel it, and I have to take them repeatedly for days before I'm "cured" and even that can be a temporary curing.


But, I can't stop the aging process, and I can't change my hyper-flexibility, and I absolutely WON'T stop being active.

So, I will go see Curt whenever my Doctor (Christine) directs me to, and I will ask about his family and how his knee is doing and if he's been camping or fishing and all the other things I've learned about him because we have become friends. 
In fact, when I showed up yesterday, he said, "Amy, I was JUST thinking about you the other day!"
So I will appreciate my relationship with Curt, because as much as I hate the idea that I have to have a physical therapist I see at least annually, he's awesome!  And without him, I would be miserable.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What to do??

I was raised that it's okay to go to the doctor, but you don't go unless you REALLY  REALLY need to go.  I assume that concept was partially financial, but partially how my parents were raised. 
But either way, I fight that thought process all the time.

Yesterday my back/hip was hurting so badly and my over-the-counter medication was not helping with the pain, so I decided I'd call for an appointment.  There were no openings until Sept 8th.  So I set my mind on the idea I would go to urgent care. 

But about an hour after that I decided to email my primary doctor and ask her opinion.  I went to see her last week when I needed narcotics for the pain from this issue, so she has an idea of what's happening with me.  Her opinion was for me to go to physical therapy. 


I go to physical therapy at least once a year to deal with something.  Last year I went twice...once for my hip and once for my knee.  And when I say "once" I mean a stream of visits.  I went for 15 visits for my hip last year, and 8 visits for my knee.  That's a lot of visits, don't you think??

And now I have to do it again for the other hip.

I'm frustrated that my body is in this place where I constantly have to make adjustments in how I move/sit/stand/walk.
I'm frustrated that there is so much PAIN involved before I realize I'm doing something "incorrectly".
I'm frustrated that it takes so long to feel improvement.

But, I don't really have any other choices.  I have to go, I cannot live with this constant hip pain. 

I figure I have two options at this point.
1.  Be crabby and make everyone around me suffer just because I'm mad and they're near me.
2.  Give it to God as this is out of my control and it just is what it is.

Today, I choose #2.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Foods at the Fair

I live 2 blocks from my state fair.  Two blocks. 
I am two blocks away from FOOD FEST!!

When people are asked what they're going to do at the fair, most of the time they start listing foods they're going to eat....yes, I do that too.  Deep fried, salty, chocolaty, gooey, cold, hot, spicy, sweet, stuff on a stick.

What you don't hear about, is the foods at the fair that are healthier?!

I researched and discovered the following "healthier" foods at my local state fair.
  • Pork chops on a stick.  Just a skewer of grilled pork with some dry seasoning. 
  • Nuts.  Simple plain nuts.  Almonds, sunflower seeds, and pumpkin seeds.
  • Jerky!  Bison, Ostrich, and EMU jerky! 
  • Grilled shrimp on a stick...need I say more about that??  I think not.
  • Fresh fruit.  Our fair has a booth that sells whole fresh fruit.  peaches, nectarines, and plums.  And ours also has a building that devotes an entire wing to apples!!
  • Fresh Veggies.  Although the owners of this stand had to fight with fair officials, they won and now sell bowls of fresh veggies and ranch dip.  Peppers, cauliflower, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and carrots. 
  • And finally, for the sweet tooth...whole fresh strawberries with real whipping cream. 
I'm not saying I won't "splurge" a little and try some fun foods (crab fritters and a breakfast lollipop), but if I replace just two of my deep fried, sugar coated goodies with two of these healthier options, well then...that two (or five) more pounds I may not have to burn off later?!

I hope you enjoy your state fair!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Getting back on track

As I stated in my other posts, I've been down with a really bad back.  It's much improved (albeit not healed) but I'm having a really hard time getting back on track with regular mealtimes and one shake a day.
I'm in pain, and depressed, and that makes me want to eat.  So instead of evening shakes, I've been having meals.  I stick to my abstinence, but am choosing more carby foods at times.  We don't have much protein in the house because I was suppose to have shakes, so I end up having rice or noodles for a meal, cause that's what we have and it's easy.

But I'm documenting here and now that I am going to get back on track...starting TODAY!
I had a shake for breakfast.  Lunch is low carb goulash and a cuke.  Supper is out with a friend.  I think we'll go to a vietnamese restaurant.  I will have one egg roll, but then a meat and veggie dish (not deepfried) and leave the rice. 

Thank you for helping me stay accountable.

Oh, I have completely forgotten to weigh while my back was out.  I will get back on track with my eating, and back on track with my weighing.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Still laid up

I'm still laid up taking Vicodin and Flexeril to get me through the days.

Anytime I'm injured, I think that gives me permission to eat foods I don't normally eat. 
For example...I had my friend buy me cereal and milk.  I don't normally eat cereal and milk as it's just a bowl of carbs and I try to avoid carbs.
I also had ramen soup filled with crackers.  I hate soup, and I try to avoid crackers.

My addiction thinks being sick or injured means it is okay to eat foods that I normally don't.
And I don't know why...nor will I waste time trying to figure out why.

I'm going to just start with step one and acknowledge that I eat foods I don't normally when I'm sick or injured.

Tomorrow I plan to go back to work.  I will have to cut back on all my medications so that I don't take naps at work :)

And tonight I'll figure out breakfasts and lunches for the next three days so I don't have to figure it out each day.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Stupid back

I apologize for not posting for a few days.  We went out of town for a party and camping, and while away my back spasmed. 
Not a little spasm...but the worst spasm I've ever had.
To say I was in pain is just not using strong enough words.

I've been on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen for 24hrs now, and have a call into the doctor for something a bit stronger.  I cannot get in/out of bed on my own and I walk very very stiffly.  There is absolutely NO bending of my body.

There is one bright side I always try to find a bright side...
I can't get up to scrounge around in the kitchen.
My girlfriend (who has been my ANGEL so far) is making my breakfast, then I'll make a shake for lunch.  Since we're back from vacation, there is hardly any food in the house, so no munching for me.  I'll have a plan for supper before she gets home.

Going to sign off now, the pill is taking effect and I cannot keep my eyes open.  I hope you all are healthy and well!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

what gets my goat...

There is one big character defect of mine that I have to work on quite often.

It's when it should be all about me and it's not.

I have worked at my company for five years this week.
One of the things we do for five year anniversarys is to order lunch to celebrate.
I usually place the order, but get whatever the person wants to eat.

This time it's my celebration, so it should be all about me.  What do *I* want to eat.

I chose BBQ.  I like it because I can get it 'sauce on the side' and get a salad with it. 
The meat comes with two sides and muffins.  I chose corn and slaw as my sides as I decided corn would be a nice change and I like their slaw.  I don't know if I'll eat either of these sides since I ordered a salad, but those were the sides I chose.

I was talking to some fellow employees and they asked me if we were getting beans with the BBQ.  I said no, corn and slaw.  They told me to cancel the slaw and get baked beans.

So this is where my hackles shoot up.  It really gets my goat when it's my celebration, and therefore whatever I decide should be fine and accepted. 
But instead they (whoever "they" are) don't like my choice and they tell me to change it.
So what is my response?  I'm hurt and angry.

I did mention I don't even know if I'm going to EAT the side items right?!

Would a normal eater be so "offended"?  I don't know?  I am not a normal eater.
Can I think of an example of a situation where I've felt this way that does NOT involve food?  Hmmm...actually no, I cannot.

So what did I do...
First, I took 3 minutes by myself to stew about the situation.  To be frustrated and furrow my brow and to be filled with general crabbiness.

Next, I thought about the true situation, leaving my feelings out of it, and just thinking about the facts.

I care about the ribs.  I want ribs.  I am going to eat the ribs, and I don't want them sauced.  That part of the order matters and I want it the way I ordered it.

But the sides?  To me they are just that, sides, and I'm not sure if I'll even eat them.
I'm not a big fan of beans or slaw...sometimes they're good, sometimes they're not.  So really, I don't care either way.

So...does it matter if the masses want beans instead of the slaw?   Does it matter to me???


No, I can honestly answer that No, it does not matter to me.

So do I want to give energy to be angry that I didn't get "my way" about something that I don't even care about?
Again, I can honestly answer No.

So, I changed the order from slaw to beans.

And I'm not angry about it. 
Honestly and truly, I'm not. 

8/18/11   221

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Realistic acceptance

For Today:           I will accept who I am at this moment.
That doesn't mean I will not strive to make improvements.

For Today:           I will eat what I have planned.
That doesn't mean that if I pull out the lettuce and it's rotten I will eat it anyway.

For Today:           I will admit when I am wrong.
That doesn't mean I will say things to someone that could harm or hurt them just to clear my conscious.

For Today:           I will love.

8/17/11   223

Monday, August 15, 2011

Food effects

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday and pie was on sale. 

I knew my partner would help me eat a raspberry pie so I bought it and I had two slices throughout the day.
The rest is sitting on my counter, and it is NOT calling my name.  As I previously stated, sweets are not my addiction food of choice. 

But the physical and mental effects of eating the pie yesterday are haunting me. 

I'm fighting crabbiness.  I'm quick to anger.  I'm quiet and don't want to interact with others.  I'm having intestinal issues.  And I just feel yucky all over, almost like I'm sick.

No, I don't have food poisoning.  Although I wish it were that simple.

These things happen every time I have sweets.  A normal person would deem these foods "off limits", but being the food addict that I am, I try them once in awhile.  Since these foods do not call to me, I have not added them to my "do not eat" list.  I am able to only eat them rarely because I do not like the effects of the foods.

I just wish I would REMEMBER the effect before I decide to try them again....

Sunday, August 14, 2011

How much is too much?

In OA, we talk about being careful not to "pack too much into the stream of life", but what really does that mean? 
How much is too much?

I've learned this amount could be very different for each person asked.

I love to go go go.  I like to have lots of things to do each weekend, and lots of people to join me.
My partner, on the other hand, likes to have one thing to do with friends, and then lots and lots of free time for herself and us.  Two very different concepts. much is too much?

For me, too much is when I start dreading the activities that are planned, when I don't want to go and get crabby and/or in a funk.  Or, it's when I'm doing so many "extras" that I fall behind or dread the things I HAVE to do, you know, like go to work.  Yes, I have taken a vacation day just because my weekend was too overbooked.

But, because my partner and I have such differing ideas of "too much", we try our best to find the happy medium.  This isn't always the case, of course, but it's our goal. 

She has slowed me down so that I'm not exhausted come Monday morning, and I have revved her up so that she is active and surrounded by friends and meeting lots of new people.  We both agree that, although we sometimes sway to too much or too little, for the most part we work well together and we are happy and content.

So, how much is too much for you?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Movies...withOUT popcorn?

I'm going to see a movie tonight.

The dreaded movie know, the place where the smells can CONSUME an addict like me.
What to do, what to do...

I'll tell you want I'm going to do.  Three simple steps.

I go to movies AFTER mealtimes so that I'm not hungry.
I set my mind that I will not get popcorn (so I don't convince myself it's an option).
And I don't bring extra cash.......just in case!

Now...let's go to the movies....let's go see the stars!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Bumps, lumps, and bulges

Do you ever walk down the street looking at other people and think,

I am shocked at how some people wear their clothes. 
So tight, so form fitting, and so many lumps and bumps bulging out, and they don't appear to be self conscious?

Part of me is horrified.  
It's like a train wreck.  So incredibly horrible, but I cannot stop looking.

But part of me is jealous. 

These people, many much much larger than myself, must be in a much different place than myself.  A place where, even though they don't have Cosmo's "perfect body", they are proud of what they have and want to show it off! 

That's amazing to me.

I am constantly trying to hide my bumps, lumps, and bulges.  Constantly.
I never waste an opportunity to look in mirrors or glass windows to see if things are hidden behind my clothes.  And if they're not, I suck it in. 

I wish I had their confidence.  I wish I could just see my body for what it is and have comfort with it.

Maybe someday.

8-11-11   199.5

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Stewing...without meat and potatoes

I use to be a I don't mean roast beef and potatoes (although, hmm...yumm).

I mean thinking of stressful or hurtful situations, and reliving them...over and over and over again in my head.

I say use to because things have changed, and now I have a plan for dealing with such issues.  And I know that not waiting, but dealing with the issue, or giving it to my Higher Power for Him to deal with is a MUCH better solution than me just reliving it and getting angry/hurt/frustrated over and over and over and over and over again!

I have reviewed my part in the situation and don't see anything I need to deal with, so I give my situation from last night to Him, because I can't control other peoples thoughts and feelings.  And I also give the situation from this morning to Him , because, again, I cannot control other peoples thoughts and feelings.  He can have it, because I have plenty of HAPPY things to stew about!

8/10/11  219.5

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Plenty more fish in the sea.

One of the best things I ever learned is that I get to choose my friends because there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I grew up in a very small town and people were limited.  So friendships were limited.

But now I live in a VERY large city with lots of suburbs, and I get to make choices.
And real friendships will come naturally. 

If I meet you, and from the start I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, then it's not right for me.  Heck, it's not even healthy.
If I meet you, and from the start I feel like I have to do all the work (like planning all the events) then it's not right for me.
If I meet you, and from the start we are like oil and water, then it's not right for me. 
Real friendships come naturally, and you'll know when it's right.
I get to choose. 

I always knew other people got to choose their friends, but it was a new revelation for me to realize *I* did as well!

I sure hope you know YOU get to choose your friends as well. 

8-9-11  220

Monday, August 8, 2011

Instead of sleeping??

I've been struggling with sleeping through the night lately.  And by lately I mean in the last month.

I've been following the same sleeping routine that I've been following for years, but it doesn't seem to be working lately.

My routine is to go to bed around 9, and watch TV or read until 10, then I usually fall asleep.
But lately I go to bed around 9, watch TV until 10 when the sleep timer shuts off the TV, then, since I'm wide wide wide awake I turn the TV back on for another 60min. 
I fall asleep before the TV goes off, but then around 12 or 1am I wake up.  I'm not wide awake enough to move around or consider getting up, but my brain is awake.  It's like I'm in a state of extreme rest, but not asleep.
I know this happens to me when I'm cycling on things.  When I'm stressed about something and haven't processed how to handle the situation, or I know what I need to do but haven't done it yet.
But that is not the case these past nights.  I am thinking about things, but not stressed. dreaming.

I've been trying to brainstorm why I am not fully sleeping, here are my thoughts:
  1. Caffeine.  I know this affects me, so I'm pretty careful about when I stop drinking it (4pm).  Maybe I'm exceeding my cut off time and drinking past 4?
  2. Food change.  This strange half-sleeping started when I went back watching my carbs.  I am told that eating low carb helps you sleep better, and that has been my experience in the past, but the timing of the two are such that I should note it.
  3. Age and hormones.  My mother and my sister both spoke often of how they would have nights where they just couldn't sleep.  They would lay there and just think.  I don't know if they were awake because of stress in their thoughts or just...thinking.  But both spoke of it starting around age 40, which is the age I just turned.
  4. Stress.  This could be continuing because I realize it's been happening, and I may not be fully aware of using the "will it happen tonight" as the precursor to it happening each night.
Who know if any or all of these are factors...but what I can tell you is that it is getting O.L.D.

I know I don't function well after prolonged nights of interrupted sleep, and it's certainly not conducive to my weight loss or my making good food choices.  Hence the eating of three sample boxes of cereal this weekend.  I ate two for breakfast on Saturday, and one for a snack Sunday afternoon.  I don't normally eat cereal, not even tiny sample boxes, when I'm making smart food choices.   But I was so tired, and it was time to eat, that the sample boxes were "easy". 

What is easy about it is these easy stupid choices will make the weight come back on, and FAST. 

So...tonight I sleep.  I will not have caffeine after THREE, I will go to bed right at 9, and I will shut off the TV at 10. 
And I will tell myself I WILL sleep tonight, and have confidence behind my thoughts!

8-8-11  222.5

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Working out is hard to do

I have a membership at the YMCA.  There are many in the city I live.  There is one a block from where I work, and one a mile from my house.  The Y has a lot of options: classes, cardio machines, weights, swimming pool, courts, etc.  I love having options.

But there are some days that the idea of going is just too exhausting. 
I can create so many excuses:  I didn't sleep well, I don't feel well, I am hungry, I am too full, I don't want to be around people, I want to be at home, there's a really good show on tv...blah blah blah...

But I usually go anyway...MOST of the time.

Today I got up, ate breakfast, and put on my workout clothes so as to limit my excuses. 
And it worked!

I'm happy to report I went to the gym, and I wasn't even kicking and screaming.
I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, used the abductor and adductor machines, then used free weights to work my arms.

I always feel so much better when I just go and don't have to try and convince myself first. 
Now if only I could convince myself to get up and vacuum!!

Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm hungry.

How many times have I said I'm hungry and not actually been hungry?

Here are just some of the things I really meant when I said "I'm hungry".

I'm tired
I'm lonely
I'm bored
I'm happy
I'm sad
I want attention
I want you to like me
I want you to leave me alone

And those are just a small sampling.  I can't explain why I'm hungry flies out of my mouth, instead of these other words.  I'm not sure why I thought getting and eating food would solve or cure these other things I needed.   What I do know is that it didn't MATTER what else I needed, I could always use food to cover up my other needs or wants or feelings or thoughts. 

It's easier to say I'm hungry and then eat instead of having to face rejection by stating something I really need or am feeling.
And there is a lot less fear involve when I tell someone I'm hungry instead of you are not good for me and I need to leave.

So many reasons to say I'm hungry when I actually wasn't hungry.

However, things have changed for me.  Now I only say I'm hungry when my stomach is actually growling. 
Wait...that's not 100% true.  I do sometimes say it other times, but thanks to learning so much from OA, I quickly follow up the untrue I'm hungry by no wait, I'm tired or I'm lonely or I'm bored or I'm upset.

I am FAR from "fixed" in this area, but I'm much improved and working on it one day at a time!

By the way, my stomach is growling quite loudly right now and I'm hungry!

8/5/11   221.5

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Must we whether the weather

I am an outdoor person.

Gardening, hiking, camping, fishing, mowing, painting, washing the car, de-furring the cat, or reading.  I don't care as long as I'm outside.

However...I'm a weather-baby.

I do NOT like hot humid weather.  I don't want to breathe it, I don't want to sit in it, I don't want to even go outside when it's hot and humid.
In my perfect world, the weather is anywhere from 25-75 degrees, no humidity, and sunny with a slight breeze.

That has not been the weather pattern this summer, and although I have no power over it, I'm mad.

Did you know it's August???  That means June and July are OVER!  I've MISSED them.  They're GONE. 
Half my garden is done already and nothing new is really starting to grow!  I cannot believe it.
And I can count on one hand how many times I've been able to comfortably sit on my back patio which is my most favorite place to be.

However...I am powerless over the weather.  I am powerless over the passage of time. 

But...I am not powerless over my anger about it.

What a waste of time to be angry over that which we have no power.  Being angry in those situations does nothing but weigh me down, take up my space in my brain, and as I just said, waste my time.

Well I'm not going to feed my anger any more.  I will NOT be angry over the weather, of which I have no power.  I will NOT be angry that I missed much of the summer because I was inside in the air conditioning.  I will NOT waste my time on that which I am powerless. 

Now, I must disclose - it is possible that I am aware and able to make these statements with certitude because, as I type this, I am sitting outside in the shade and it's a beautiful calm 75 degree evening, but let's ignore that fact and pretend like I had a breakthrough, shall we???

8-4-11   221

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Was it worth it?

I have issues with foods, I would never dream of denying that.

But sweets are not my #1 food of choice, so I don't deny myself all sweets (although I certainly limit them).

And yesterday was a prime example.
Of all the foods offered during my food trifecta (see post from August 2, 2011), I succumbed to one item that I hadn't planned on.

Still-warm strawberry rhubarb pie. 
The crust was crunchy, the rhubarb was tart, and the strawberries were sweet.  I ate my one piece, and was very very very very full but satisfied.

And was it worth it?  


8-2-11  221.5

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Food Trifecta

I'm having "one of those days"...a food trifecta. 

I started my day at a seminar.  I assumed they'd have some pastries, so I ate a full breakfast before attending.  However, they had a full breakfast WITH pastries.
I added about 1/4 cup scrambled eggs, 2 sausage links, and 2 pieces of pineapple to my breakfast, but strategically avoided the pastries and hash browns.

For lunch, my office was having a celebration so we ordered pizza, wings, and salads.  I knew this was happening and had planned to have six wings and some salad.  All good so far...
But at 2, desserts were being delivered as part of the celebration.
An Oreo cake, a Carrot Cake, and a Strawberry Rhubarb pie (which is my fav).

My plan was to avoid the kitchen until everyone else had theirs, and if any pie was left, I would have a piece.

HOWEVER....when the pie was still warm. 

So I had a piece BEFORE everyone else had theirs.  SLIGHTLY off in my timing, but not off plan.

Now tonight we're having a block party to celebrate National Night Out.  A Potluck.  (did you notice I capitalized Potluck?  That's how important they are to me!!  LOL)

I am bringing chicken wings and fruit so that I know I have something I can eat.

I've had my sweet for the day...I'm good...I don't need anymore. 
I mean that, sweets are not my thing.

However...if there are carby items...those ARE my thing. 
Breads, potatoes, noodle salads, etc.

So...tonight my plan is to avoid temptation.  I eat what I have planned (wings and fruit with any green-veggie salads).  I chat, I visit, I play games, I mingle, I check out the firetrucks and police cars that are coming, I do many other things INSTEAD OF EATING.

I can do this...I know I can.  Screw the trifecta.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Reflective glass, friend or foe??

My office is full of glass.  Glass doorways, glass windows (duh), glass office walls, glass glass glass.
And a lot of the glass is reflective.  In essence, my office is a house of mirrors.

What's odd is that in SOME of the glass I think I look pretty good, but in others...YIKES!!
I don't think the interior glass is different from one wall to the next, but boy howdy can my IMAGE be different!

Also, I try to walk outside when the weather isn't broiling hot (and yes, I did mean BROILING), and most of the buildings have reflective glass.  I find myself staring in the windows as I walk down the street.  Checking out my posture, my muffin top, my thighs, my outfit, my hair, everything.

And I don't think this is a bad thing. 

I worry when I'm AVOIDING looking at myself.  I need to see what I look like...what I REALLY look like.  For me, knowing is so much healthier than avoiding.  Granted, this may not have been the case when I was 320lbs, but I have come a LONG way, and it needs to be celebrated!

Plus, the minute I stop looking is when my dress will be tucked up into my pantyhose...

8/1/11  224lbs

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday Sunday...can't touch that day

Today is my most routine day of the week.

I wake up early, get coffee and the newspaper, then I sit for three hours.
I read the paper and check out the ads, and I end with the food ads.

I clip coupons (although I'm not very good at using them) and I see what's on sale for the week.  then I write up my foodplan and calculation the protein and carbs for each day. 
Finally, I go to the store and purchase whatever I need, and come home and prepare it all.  All of it.  All my breakfasts and all my lunches for the next five days.

I do so much better if I have a plan and don't have to think about what I'm going to eat.  And, this way, I don't. 
I don't mind eating the same food all week.  It's so much easier than fighting the exhausting thought processes of deciding between healthy vs unhealthy lunch each day. 

I'm off, my paper is calling!!

7-31-11  222.5

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Why is depression so...depressing?

Someone I love and am very close to is really depressed today. 
When depression happens to my friend, they struggle to function, and everything is "wrong".
It's hard...hard to feel so helpless, hard to sit back and let them get deal with it in their own way, hard to be powerless and unable help.


Being powerless is a hard.  Being in a place of powerlessness is exhausting. 
Crazy, huh? 
We can't do anything, but we're tired from it?  From NOT doing anything?

This is how it is with me and food.
It's embarrassing, so I try to hide it.
It's exhausting, so I sit around and 'rest'.
It's all encompassing, and I'm powerless over it.

But none of that means I have to give in to my powerlessness.

If I think about it, there are many things I'm powerless over. 
the economy
politicians votes
whether a store stays open or closes
other peoples depression
and food

But...I don't have to center my life around things I have no power over. 

For today, I am NOT going to let food control me. 

And for today, I'm not going to eat since food will not cure my friends depression.

7-30-11  223.5


Friday, July 29, 2011

DON'T PANIC!!! Scales just bounce.

So today is the first of many days when the scale has gone UP a pound.

I cannot panic.  I will not panic.  I will not do something drastic. 


This freak out is my inner addict crying out and wanting attention.  I mentally KNOW it's only a number on the scale, but here I am, REACTING to it like I've been slapped.
breathe in....breathe out...

I know I ate according to my plan yesterday...scales just bounce. 

On a more positive note...I'm going out with friends tonight.  Going out with friends is one of my favorite things to do.  Meals are usually part of going out, although many of my closest circle are also paying attention to their food, so we've been trying to do more things that do NOT revolve around a meal.  Not tonight, we're going out to dinner *blush*, but usually!

Things to do instead of eating:
  • Try on the clothes in my closet (reminder of WHY I shouldn't be eating more than my scheduled meals)
  • Go for a walk around the lake
  • Pet the cats
  • Make a meal plan for future weeks
  • Write on my blog
I hope you can find things to do today instead of eating...


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect.

In my OA (overeaters anonymous) program, I've been abstinent for a long time.  Over a decade.
What that means is that I've identified the foods that make me super crazy, and stopped eating them.
But that certainly doesn't mean I have all the answers.

I know, you're shocked, right?  (please roll your eyes here)

*I* don't think I'm perfect, nor do I think I have all the answers.

I am not at the perfect weight.  I'm at a much better weight, but what the hell does "perfect weight" really mean?  And who the heck determines it?

I don't desire or crave the foods that make me crazy anymore, but I still have some struggles with portions and last minute meal decisions.  Why is it that even some "healthy" foods know my name?  Who told cherries about me?  They've been calling my name every night!!

I like to exercise, but am a master of finding excuses not to do it.  My excuse last night?  I was too sore from my workout on MONDAY, therefore I needed another day of rest.  (yesterday was WEDNESDAY)

See...FAR FAR FAR from perfect, and this list only shows you a tiny sampling of my imperfections.

We say "there are no stars in OA", but if you have abstinence, some people seem to want to put you on a pedestal.

I'm still a food addict.  I will always be a food addict. 
Please do not put me on a pedestal, I'll only fall off.

7/28/11 - 221.5

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My muffin top runneth over

When I was at my largest, I had various rolls along my body.  I don't recall thinking of them or noticing them because it was the only way I remember looking.  I had a waist with a roll above and a roll below.

But when I lost the weight, and then had my excess skin removed...I had NO rolls.  No muffin top.  Nothing but a smooth midsection and compliments on how my stomach was so "flat".

However..times they are a changin...and I have a muffin top. 


Because of the skin reduction and bits of lyposuction I had, I gain weight differently than I did before, and it appears to appear from my breasts to my prime muffin space.

So what do I do?  I walk around sucking in my gutt...thinking it reduces the muffin. 
Then pretty soon I'm breathing heavy and can't seem to catch my breath.

Can you believe I'm denying myself air through deep breaths because people might see I've gained weight???

Holy crap am I sick...

It's always good, when it's working.

So the weight is coming off.  And, of course, I'm feeling better. 
I feel like I LOOK better.
Isn't it amazing how a number on the scale can make or break our day?  Even if it's only different by one number??

But today the scale has a lower number, and it puts me in a good mood.
I'm wearing a shirt I claimed was "too tight" five days ago.  It probably looks the same, but because I FEEL different, mentally I think it looks different.

Then again, maybe it really DOES look better????

7/27/11 - 221.5

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I'm a food addict.

There's no doubt in my mind I'm addicted to food. 

There are foods that, once the thought of them enters my brain, I want to eat them.
There are foods that, once I start eating them, I cannot stop.
There are foods that, once they are gone, I am sad.  More than just sad.  I am deeply depressed.

I have heard from normal eaters that they do not have these thoughts, feelings, opinions.  I don't know life without them.

However, I am able to use my programs to react differently to those foods. 
And I'm beyond grateful that I don't have to be a slave to those foods anymore.

7/26/11 - today's weight 223.5

Monday, July 25, 2011

Second post - why am I hear part 2

So I thought I should give more of my background.

I ate my way to 320lbs. 
I would order large meat lovers pizza and eat the entire thing, then be sad that it was gone.
I would go out at 10:30 and get a Qtr Pounder with cheese meal from McDonalds and supersize it.  Then I would have the lunch I packed at 12.  Then at 2:30 when I went home, I would go to McDonalds and get a two cheeseburger meal and supersize it. I would stop before getting home and hide the wrappers at the gas station (I always wondered if they placed bets on what time I would arrive, since I stopped at the garbage everyday, and rarely actually got gas or went inside).
I would then make supper which was on the table by 5.
At 7 or 8 we would have our evening snack of popcorn or ice cream...or both.

I am not one who can say, "I don't know how this happened".  I know exactly how this happened. 
I ate my way to 320lbs. 

Someone mentioned to me that they noticed I ate every 2 hours.  I was offended that they noticed and horrified that my secret was out!

I searched online and found Overeaters Anonymous.   I went for awhile but just didn't make an effort.  These people didn't have the answer.  They were crazy.  I couldn't BELIEVE the things they'd done.  *I* was not like that (please see eating description above to note my insanity).
So I stopped wasting my time and stopped attending meetings.

I was sitting in my living room one night, lonely, bored, and eating through my feelings, when I saw an infomercial online about the Protein Power Plan.  They told me I could eat steak and butter and lose weight!  I was GIDDY!! 
I ordered it right away and the moment I got the book I started the plan.

That was May of 1998.  At the same time I vowed never to eat a french fry again. 
I loved them.  I loved them more than anything.  I loved them more than my family, my pets, and definitely more than me.  They made me miserable, but I could not stop eating them, and I was always sad when they were gone.  I didn't have a grasp of what I was doing at the time, but I was defining my abstinence.  Putting parameters around "foods that make me crazy".  And my parameters were all or nothing.  I'd done the "all"...over and over and over again.  Now I needed to do the "nothing".

So in May of 1998 it all started.  Protein Power (low carb dieting), and following the plan of Overeaters Anonymous (defining my abstinence).

Everything was fantastic.  I was dropping weight faster than I had ever heard of (this is long before Biggest Loser and Weight Loss Makeover).  I lost 75lbs in just under four months.  I only ate meals listed on their "suggested menu" and nothing more.  I weighed and measured everything.  I stuck to the plan like my life was at stake. 

About that time, I was contacted by Protein Power and asked if I would be in their commercials.  ABSOLUTELY!
I had to have some professional "after" pictures taken and then they called me and did a phone interview.   A blind friend of mine called me one day and told me she heard my voice on an ad and she was absolutely sure it was me as she knows my voice...and she was on the other side of the US!  My sister called me and said she saw my picture on TV, and she is in another state!  It was so exciting!!

Then after four months I got tired of the same meals so I started creating my own.  I followed the recommended carb counts, but stopped weighing and measuring my proteins.  It took me six months to lose the other 35lbs, but I still lost weight. 

In February of 1999 I had my first of multiple car accidents.  I was a passenger in a rollover.  I was not injured enough to be hospitalized, but I was far from "okay".  My neck and back were so sore.  I was seeing a chiropractor three times a week.  After a few months, damage was noted in my jaw and for six months I went to a jaw specialist.   In August I was hit, a t-bone, and my car was totaled.  In January I was rear ended, and in June I was rear ended again.  I'm not a bad driver.  I was stopped at a stoplight for the two rear ends, and the guy missed a stop sign for the t-bone.  All I can say is that it all sucked.  And I hurt.  All.The.Time.
And because of that pain, I started slipping.  I decided that eating more carbs would help me feel better.  Still no french fries, but I started having a snack in the afternoon of four saltines with cheese melted on them.  Then I would have six.  Then eight.  Then I would have two plates of eight.  And because I had permission to eat that, I had permission to eat all kinds of carbs!

And that is where I stalled.  I had gotten down to 195, but was back up to 207 before I even blinked an eye.  But I got a grasp and started adding more foods to my "do not eat" list.  I added potato chips, chocolate, and snack crackers. 
I started having issues with my partner, and that gave me permission to eat even more.  I got up to 240.  OUCH.

When I finally kicked my own ass and got out of the terrible relationship, I was able to watch my carbs enough to get me down to 207.  And that is where I've stayed for many years.

  • French Fries
  • Potato chips
  • snack crackers (mainly Nabisco type crackers)
  • pizza
  • chocolate
  • chex mix
  • ice cream
  • cookies
  • bread
  • And I do not eat in my car...ever.

So, with OA I have found a way to fix my brain and stop eating the foods that make me crazy, and with Protein Power, I have found out how much of other foods to eat.

The two have kept me sane. weight is up 20lbs.  I thought I'd try eating some carbs that don't make me crazy...see how it works.  Things like rice and noodles. 
But guess experiment failed...and here I am 20lbs heavier.  229.  Yuck.

I am unable to speak freely of OA on Protein Power, and I'm unable to speak freely of Protein Power in OA, so I needed a place where I could discuss both.  And that is what brought me here.

I hope to find some followers who will help give me guidance and help me be accountable.   Accountable to whatever plan I decide to follow. 

Thanks for listening.


First post - why am I here?

Thank you so much for visiting my blog!
The reason I decided to start this blog is because I'm eating too much, and I need to find something to do other than eat!

When I was 26, I was 320lbs.  It shouldn't have been surprised to get that big, I ate terribly. 
When I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hips, arthritis in my knees, and told my feet had gone flat because of the excess weight, I decided to do something about it before I completely ruined by body.
So I started following a low carb diet. 


I dropped 75lbs in four months!  And in the next six months I lost another 35.
I hovered at 207lbs and was a secure size 16 for 13 years!!

But now....
I turned 40 this year.  And have gained back 20lbs.  TWENTY POUNDS! 
Now I'm hovering around 227, and my clothes look terrible (those I can actually put on), I have a huge muffin top, and I'm missing the summer because I'm hiding inside my house.This sucks.

I sat down last night and decided I would make a list of things to do instead of eating.  Starting a blog was not on my list last night, but it sure seemed right this morning!  So, here I am. 

Other things on my list so far:
  • Read a book
  • Weed the garden
  • Call a friend
  • Repaper the kitchen shelves
  • Vacuum the stairs
  • Re-caulk the bathtub
  • Go to the gym
  • Leave the kitchen
So, today is the start.  It's time to start finding things to do other than eating.  Wish me luck!!

7/25/11 - todays weight 229