Thursday, March 29, 2012

One? Just one??

I stepped on the scale for my month-end weigh in today. 

I know, it's not the end of the month, but I was starting to have crazy thoughts about starving myself today to get a better number tomorrow.

Nuh-uh.  Nope.  Not gonna do it!  I'm not letting those crazy thoughts win.

So instead I hopped on the scale today.  And voila!  One pound down!

I know.  You're thinking..."one pound in the entire month, whoop-di-doo"?

But I am HAPPY about it!
Why you ask??

I am abstinent which means I do not eat the foods that make me crazy anymore (not in 13 years).   However, I still do NOT naturally make good choices.  I have to work at it.
So I have a food sponsor that I report my food to everyday.  And that food sponsor has been a great guide to me in that it makes me look at my foodplan through someone else's eyes.  She doesn't judge my foodplan or try to direct my eating.  What she does is make me think about how my foods will look on paper KNOWING someone is actually looking at them.  And for me, it WORKS!

So, the fact that this is the second month in a row that I have not GAINED WEIGHT, and that now, total, I have lost six pounds by doing nothing more than thinking about how my food looks on paper before I put it into my mouth...I am giddy!!


Friday, March 23, 2012

Guilt? Or rest?

We've had beautiful weather lately, and usually March is a hibernation month.
When I say beautiful, I mean 70-80 degrees with bright sun!  VERY unusual for this part of the country.

So what's the problem??
I have guilt because I feel like I should be outside enjoying the weather.  Walking, biking, yard work, etc.
However, my body is not ready yet - it wants to hibernate.

So I fight guilt, and I "should" myself.
You SHOULD be outside.
You SHOULD be starting some plants for the garden.
You SHOULD be walking around the lake

And shoulding is NOT a healthy activity.

I remind myself, these will not be the only sunny days.  Although the weather says it's time, the ground is not ready for yard work.  And if I want to hibernate for a while longer, the world will continue to spin.

Reversal of self-talk.   Replacing "should" with "could", and allowing myself to have options, with all of them being acceptable. 

How about you?  Do you have to fight self-talk?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Giving up or facing the truth

Last summer I had gained 20lbs and none of my summer shirts fit.  My weight is still up there.
I bought 3 shirts and wore them (and a few older items I could stretch out) all summer long.

I. Was. Miserable.

I was not willing to face the fact that I had gained weight and I was feeling financial poor, so I suffered all summer and refused to buy clothes.

Well ta'heck with that!

I went shopping last night.  I got a pair of capri's, a pair of jeans, and 10 shirts!!!  TEN!!   And I'm ordering another 6 tonight!

I'm a big-boned person and even at my thinnest, I still barely fit into an XL because I have massive shoulders.  So, of course, now I do not fit into them at all! 
So I had to shop plus sizes..which is why I refused to buy last year.

But it was so freeing!!  And by that I mean it felt good to have things fit (or be too big).  To feel like I have clothes to wear again.  To feel like I'm not a great big blob of a human being and that all my clothes just accentuate that blubbery fact.
And yes, I did have all those feelings almost every day last year.

So, here it is.  I wear a 1X.  I look good in a 1X. It fits my shoulders and you cannot see all my back bra lines and "bumps" surrounding them (I hate that on me-ick). 

This weekend I'm cleaning out my closets and drawers.  I'm going to pack away all the clothes that do not fit me...and if by NEXT summer they still do not fit, I will not even open the containers, I will just give them away. 
I am done torturing myself with a closet full of clothes that don't fit (or I'm even afraid to try on).  It is not worth it...but I am!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Boy how time flies!

I cannot believe I missed an entire month of posting?
Well, let me rephrase that.  I CAN believe it, but I'm not happy about it.

I have recovered from my friends passing...boy was that difficult.  I was really depressed and eating out of control!
BUT, once I recovered and the sadness lifted, my eating mostly righted itself...mostly.
Oh, that and I got a food sponsor.

What is a food sponsor you ask?
In my Overeaters Anonymous, my 12 step eating program, we sometimes have food sponsors.
I have a spreadsheet where I document what I ate, approximately when, how I felt about it, then I document any exercise, any program work, and and worries/thoughts I have at the end of the day.  And before I send todays food, I plan tomorrows.
It's fantastic!

And, since I started I have lost 5 lbs and KEPT it off!  THAT is HUGE for me!!

I find that because I had to admit everything I eat, I am more conscious of my fruits and vegetables, and how often I go out to eat, and what choices I'm making when I DO go out to eat.  Those are HUGE differences to my more lax eating habits!!

It's only been a month, and I told her I'd do it "for today" so we'll see how it progresses, but "for today", I'm am grateful for my food sponsor.