Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday Sunday...can't touch that day

Today is my most routine day of the week.

I wake up early, get coffee and the newspaper, then I sit for three hours.
I read the paper and check out the ads, and I end with the food ads.

I clip coupons (although I'm not very good at using them) and I see what's on sale for the week.  then I write up my foodplan and calculation the protein and carbs for each day. 
Finally, I go to the store and purchase whatever I need, and come home and prepare it all.  All of it.  All my breakfasts and all my lunches for the next five days.

I do so much better if I have a plan and don't have to think about what I'm going to eat.  And, this way, I don't. 
I don't mind eating the same food all week.  It's so much easier than fighting the exhausting thought processes of deciding between healthy vs unhealthy lunch each day. 

I'm off, my paper is calling!!

7-31-11  222.5

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Why is depression so...depressing?

Someone I love and am very close to is really depressed today. 
When depression happens to my friend, they struggle to function, and everything is "wrong".
It's hard...hard to feel so helpless, hard to sit back and let them get deal with it in their own way, hard to be powerless and unable help.


Being powerless is a hard.  Being in a place of powerlessness is exhausting. 
Crazy, huh? 
We can't do anything, but we're tired from it?  From NOT doing anything?

This is how it is with me and food.
It's embarrassing, so I try to hide it.
It's exhausting, so I sit around and 'rest'.
It's all encompassing, and I'm powerless over it.

But none of that means I have to give in to my powerlessness.

If I think about it, there are many things I'm powerless over. 
the economy
politicians votes
whether a store stays open or closes
other peoples depression
and food

But...I don't have to center my life around things I have no power over. 

For today, I am NOT going to let food control me. 

And for today, I'm not going to eat since food will not cure my friends depression.

7-30-11  223.5


Friday, July 29, 2011

DON'T PANIC!!! Scales just bounce.

So today is the first of many days when the scale has gone UP a pound.

I cannot panic.  I will not panic.  I will not do something drastic. 


This freak out is my inner addict crying out and wanting attention.  I mentally KNOW it's only a number on the scale, but here I am, REACTING to it like I've been slapped.
breathe in....breathe out...

I know I ate according to my plan yesterday...scales just bounce. 

On a more positive note...I'm going out with friends tonight.  Going out with friends is one of my favorite things to do.  Meals are usually part of going out, although many of my closest circle are also paying attention to their food, so we've been trying to do more things that do NOT revolve around a meal.  Not tonight, we're going out to dinner *blush*, but usually!

Things to do instead of eating:
  • Try on the clothes in my closet (reminder of WHY I shouldn't be eating more than my scheduled meals)
  • Go for a walk around the lake
  • Pet the cats
  • Make a meal plan for future weeks
  • Write on my blog
I hope you can find things to do today instead of eating...


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect.

In my OA (overeaters anonymous) program, I've been abstinent for a long time.  Over a decade.
What that means is that I've identified the foods that make me super crazy, and stopped eating them.
But that certainly doesn't mean I have all the answers.

I know, you're shocked, right?  (please roll your eyes here)

*I* don't think I'm perfect, nor do I think I have all the answers.

I am not at the perfect weight.  I'm at a much better weight, but what the hell does "perfect weight" really mean?  And who the heck determines it?

I don't desire or crave the foods that make me crazy anymore, but I still have some struggles with portions and last minute meal decisions.  Why is it that even some "healthy" foods know my name?  Who told cherries about me?  They've been calling my name every night!!

I like to exercise, but am a master of finding excuses not to do it.  My excuse last night?  I was too sore from my workout on MONDAY, therefore I needed another day of rest.  (yesterday was WEDNESDAY)

See...FAR FAR FAR from perfect, and this list only shows you a tiny sampling of my imperfections.

We say "there are no stars in OA", but if you have abstinence, some people seem to want to put you on a pedestal.

I'm still a food addict.  I will always be a food addict. 
Please do not put me on a pedestal, I'll only fall off.

7/28/11 - 221.5

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My muffin top runneth over

When I was at my largest, I had various rolls along my body.  I don't recall thinking of them or noticing them because it was the only way I remember looking.  I had a waist with a roll above and a roll below.

But when I lost the weight, and then had my excess skin removed...I had NO rolls.  No muffin top.  Nothing but a smooth midsection and compliments on how my stomach was so "flat".

However..times they are a changin...and I have a muffin top. 


Because of the skin reduction and bits of lyposuction I had, I gain weight differently than I did before, and it appears to appear from my breasts to my prime muffin space.

So what do I do?  I walk around sucking in my gutt...thinking it reduces the muffin. 
Then pretty soon I'm breathing heavy and can't seem to catch my breath.

Can you believe I'm denying myself air through deep breaths because people might see I've gained weight???

Holy crap am I sick...

It's always good, when it's working.

So the weight is coming off.  And, of course, I'm feeling better. 
I feel like I LOOK better.
Isn't it amazing how a number on the scale can make or break our day?  Even if it's only different by one number??

But today the scale has a lower number, and it puts me in a good mood.
I'm wearing a shirt I claimed was "too tight" five days ago.  It probably looks the same, but because I FEEL different, mentally I think it looks different.

Then again, maybe it really DOES look better????

7/27/11 - 221.5

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I'm a food addict.

There's no doubt in my mind I'm addicted to food. 

There are foods that, once the thought of them enters my brain, I want to eat them.
There are foods that, once I start eating them, I cannot stop.
There are foods that, once they are gone, I am sad.  More than just sad.  I am deeply depressed.

I have heard from normal eaters that they do not have these thoughts, feelings, opinions.  I don't know life without them.

However, I am able to use my programs to react differently to those foods. 
And I'm beyond grateful that I don't have to be a slave to those foods anymore.

7/26/11 - today's weight 223.5

Monday, July 25, 2011

Second post - why am I hear part 2

So I thought I should give more of my background.

I ate my way to 320lbs. 
I would order large meat lovers pizza and eat the entire thing, then be sad that it was gone.
I would go out at 10:30 and get a Qtr Pounder with cheese meal from McDonalds and supersize it.  Then I would have the lunch I packed at 12.  Then at 2:30 when I went home, I would go to McDonalds and get a two cheeseburger meal and supersize it. I would stop before getting home and hide the wrappers at the gas station (I always wondered if they placed bets on what time I would arrive, since I stopped at the garbage everyday, and rarely actually got gas or went inside).
I would then make supper which was on the table by 5.
At 7 or 8 we would have our evening snack of popcorn or ice cream...or both.

I am not one who can say, "I don't know how this happened".  I know exactly how this happened. 
I ate my way to 320lbs. 

Someone mentioned to me that they noticed I ate every 2 hours.  I was offended that they noticed and horrified that my secret was out!

I searched online and found Overeaters Anonymous.   I went for awhile but just didn't make an effort.  These people didn't have the answer.  They were crazy.  I couldn't BELIEVE the things they'd done.  *I* was not like that (please see eating description above to note my insanity).
So I stopped wasting my time and stopped attending meetings.

I was sitting in my living room one night, lonely, bored, and eating through my feelings, when I saw an infomercial online about the Protein Power Plan.  They told me I could eat steak and butter and lose weight!  I was GIDDY!! 
I ordered it right away and the moment I got the book I started the plan.

That was May of 1998.  At the same time I vowed never to eat a french fry again. 
I loved them.  I loved them more than anything.  I loved them more than my family, my pets, and definitely more than me.  They made me miserable, but I could not stop eating them, and I was always sad when they were gone.  I didn't have a grasp of what I was doing at the time, but I was defining my abstinence.  Putting parameters around "foods that make me crazy".  And my parameters were all or nothing.  I'd done the "all"...over and over and over again.  Now I needed to do the "nothing".

So in May of 1998 it all started.  Protein Power (low carb dieting), and following the plan of Overeaters Anonymous (defining my abstinence).

Everything was fantastic.  I was dropping weight faster than I had ever heard of (this is long before Biggest Loser and Weight Loss Makeover).  I lost 75lbs in just under four months.  I only ate meals listed on their "suggested menu" and nothing more.  I weighed and measured everything.  I stuck to the plan like my life was at stake. 

About that time, I was contacted by Protein Power and asked if I would be in their commercials.  ABSOLUTELY!
I had to have some professional "after" pictures taken and then they called me and did a phone interview.   A blind friend of mine called me one day and told me she heard my voice on an ad and she was absolutely sure it was me as she knows my voice...and she was on the other side of the US!  My sister called me and said she saw my picture on TV, and she is in another state!  It was so exciting!!

Then after four months I got tired of the same meals so I started creating my own.  I followed the recommended carb counts, but stopped weighing and measuring my proteins.  It took me six months to lose the other 35lbs, but I still lost weight. 

In February of 1999 I had my first of multiple car accidents.  I was a passenger in a rollover.  I was not injured enough to be hospitalized, but I was far from "okay".  My neck and back were so sore.  I was seeing a chiropractor three times a week.  After a few months, damage was noted in my jaw and for six months I went to a jaw specialist.   In August I was hit, a t-bone, and my car was totaled.  In January I was rear ended, and in June I was rear ended again.  I'm not a bad driver.  I was stopped at a stoplight for the two rear ends, and the guy missed a stop sign for the t-bone.  All I can say is that it all sucked.  And I hurt.  All.The.Time.
And because of that pain, I started slipping.  I decided that eating more carbs would help me feel better.  Still no french fries, but I started having a snack in the afternoon of four saltines with cheese melted on them.  Then I would have six.  Then eight.  Then I would have two plates of eight.  And because I had permission to eat that, I had permission to eat all kinds of carbs!

And that is where I stalled.  I had gotten down to 195, but was back up to 207 before I even blinked an eye.  But I got a grasp and started adding more foods to my "do not eat" list.  I added potato chips, chocolate, and snack crackers. 
I started having issues with my partner, and that gave me permission to eat even more.  I got up to 240.  OUCH.

When I finally kicked my own ass and got out of the terrible relationship, I was able to watch my carbs enough to get me down to 207.  And that is where I've stayed for many years.

  • French Fries
  • Potato chips
  • snack crackers (mainly Nabisco type crackers)
  • pizza
  • chocolate
  • chex mix
  • ice cream
  • cookies
  • bread
  • And I do not eat in my car...ever.

So, with OA I have found a way to fix my brain and stop eating the foods that make me crazy, and with Protein Power, I have found out how much of other foods to eat.

The two have kept me sane. weight is up 20lbs.  I thought I'd try eating some carbs that don't make me crazy...see how it works.  Things like rice and noodles. 
But guess experiment failed...and here I am 20lbs heavier.  229.  Yuck.

I am unable to speak freely of OA on Protein Power, and I'm unable to speak freely of Protein Power in OA, so I needed a place where I could discuss both.  And that is what brought me here.

I hope to find some followers who will help give me guidance and help me be accountable.   Accountable to whatever plan I decide to follow. 

Thanks for listening.


First post - why am I here?

Thank you so much for visiting my blog!
The reason I decided to start this blog is because I'm eating too much, and I need to find something to do other than eat!

When I was 26, I was 320lbs.  It shouldn't have been surprised to get that big, I ate terribly. 
When I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hips, arthritis in my knees, and told my feet had gone flat because of the excess weight, I decided to do something about it before I completely ruined by body.
So I started following a low carb diet. 


I dropped 75lbs in four months!  And in the next six months I lost another 35.
I hovered at 207lbs and was a secure size 16 for 13 years!!

But now....
I turned 40 this year.  And have gained back 20lbs.  TWENTY POUNDS! 
Now I'm hovering around 227, and my clothes look terrible (those I can actually put on), I have a huge muffin top, and I'm missing the summer because I'm hiding inside my house.This sucks.

I sat down last night and decided I would make a list of things to do instead of eating.  Starting a blog was not on my list last night, but it sure seemed right this morning!  So, here I am. 

Other things on my list so far:
  • Read a book
  • Weed the garden
  • Call a friend
  • Repaper the kitchen shelves
  • Vacuum the stairs
  • Re-caulk the bathtub
  • Go to the gym
  • Leave the kitchen
So, today is the start.  It's time to start finding things to do other than eating.  Wish me luck!!

7/25/11 - todays weight 229