Am I too loose??

I met with my physical therapist Curt yesterday. 
I have had to go see Curt at least once a year for the last four years.  It's often enough that he knows me even though he hasn't seen me since last summer.

Anyway, after I told him of my current ailment, and started complaining about my body that seems to crap out on me so often, he told me I was "too loose". 

I have previously been told I'm hyper-flexible, by doctors, by personal trainers, and by my chiropractor.  And I always thought it was a compliment????

But to my physical therapist, who is ultimately speaking for my body, it is NOT a compliment, it's a hindrance.

My body can move so much that my ligaments are straining all. the. time.
My hips, my back, my knees, my elbows, my shoulders...all of them have at one time or another gotten mad at me for over flexing them and therefore causing the ligaments to strain and pull the bones or muscles out of place and be used incorrectly.
And as I get older (I turned 40 last June), my ligaments don't bounce back like they used to.

I still remember the days when 2 ibuprofen actually "cured" the pain.

Now I have to take 4 just to feel it, and I have to take them repeatedly for days before I'm "cured" and even that can be a temporary curing.

sigh...

But, I can't stop the aging process, and I can't change my hyper-flexibility, and I absolutely WON'T stop being active.

So, I will go see Curt whenever my Doctor (Christine) directs me to, and I will ask about his family and how his knee is doing and if he's been camping or fishing and all the other things I've learned about him because we have become friends. 
In fact, when I showed up yesterday, he said, "Amy, I was JUST thinking about you the other day!"
So I will appreciate my relationship with Curt, because as much as I hate the idea that I have to have a physical therapist I see at least annually, he's awesome!  And without him, I would be miserable.

What to do??

I was raised that it's okay to go to the doctor, but you don't go unless you REALLY  REALLY need to go.  I assume that concept was partially financial, but partially how my parents were raised. 
But either way, I fight that thought process all the time.

Yesterday my back/hip was hurting so badly and my over-the-counter medication was not helping with the pain, so I decided I'd call for an appointment.  There were no openings until Sept 8th.  So I set my mind on the idea I would go to urgent care. 

But about an hour after that I decided to email my primary doctor and ask her opinion.  I went to see her last week when I needed narcotics for the pain from this issue, so she has an idea of what's happening with me.  Her opinion was for me to go to physical therapy. 

UGH.

I go to physical therapy at least once a year to deal with something.  Last year I went twice...once for my hip and once for my knee.  And when I say "once" I mean a stream of visits.  I went for 15 visits for my hip last year, and 8 visits for my knee.  That's a lot of visits, don't you think??

And now I have to do it again for the other hip.

I'm frustrated that my body is in this place where I constantly have to make adjustments in how I move/sit/stand/walk.
I'm frustrated that there is so much PAIN involved before I realize I'm doing something "incorrectly".
I'm frustrated that it takes so long to feel improvement.

But, I don't really have any other choices.  I have to go, I cannot live with this constant hip pain. 

I figure I have two options at this point.
1.  Be crabby and make everyone around me suffer just because I'm mad and they're near me.
2.  Give it to God as this is out of my control and it just is what it is.

Today, I choose #2.

Foods at the Fair

I live 2 blocks from my state fair.  Two blocks. 
I am two blocks away from FOOD FEST!!

When people are asked what they're going to do at the fair, most of the time they start listing foods they're going to eat....yes, I do that too.  Deep fried, salty, chocolaty, gooey, cold, hot, spicy, sweet, stuff on a stick.

What you don't hear about, is the foods at the fair that are healthier?!

I researched and discovered the following "healthier" foods at my local state fair.

• Pork chops on a stick.  Just a skewer of grilled pork with some dry seasoning. 
• Nuts.  Simple plain nuts.  Almonds, sunflower seeds, and pumpkin seeds.
• Jerky!  Bison, Ostrich, and EMU jerky! 
• Grilled shrimp on a stick...need I say more about that??  I think not.
• Fresh fruit.  Our fair has a booth that sells whole fresh fruit.  peaches, nectarines, and plums.  And ours also has a building that devotes an entire wing to apples!!
• Fresh Veggies.  Although the owners of this stand had to fight with fair officials, they won and now sell bowls of fresh veggies and ranch dip.  Peppers, cauliflower, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and carrots. 
• And finally, for the sweet tooth...whole fresh strawberries with real whipping cream. 

I'm not saying I won't "splurge" a little and try some fun foods (crab fritters and a breakfast lollipop), but if I replace just two of my deep fried, sugar coated goodies with two of these healthier options, well then...that two (or five) more pounds I may not have to burn off later?!

I hope you enjoy your state fair!

Getting back on track

As I stated in my other posts, I've been down with a really bad back.  It's much improved (albeit not healed) but I'm having a really hard time getting back on track with regular mealtimes and one shake a day.
I'm in pain, and depressed, and that makes me want to eat.  So instead of evening shakes, I've been having meals.  I stick to my abstinence, but am choosing more carby foods at times.  We don't have much protein in the house because I was suppose to have shakes, so I end up having rice or noodles for a meal, cause that's what we have and it's easy.

But I'm documenting here and now that I am going to get back on track...starting TODAY!
I had a shake for breakfast.  Lunch is low carb goulash and a cuke.  Supper is out with a friend.  I think we'll go to a vietnamese restaurant.  I will have one egg roll, but then a meat and veggie dish (not deepfried) and leave the rice. 

Thank you for helping me stay accountable.

Oh, I have completely forgotten to weigh while my back was out.  I will get back on track with my eating, and back on track with my weighing.

Still laid up

I'm still laid up taking Vicodin and Flexeril to get me through the days.

Anytime I'm injured, I think that gives me permission to eat foods I don't normally eat. 
For example...I had my friend buy me cereal and milk.  I don't normally eat cereal and milk as it's just a bowl of carbs and I try to avoid carbs.
I also had ramen soup filled with crackers.  I hate soup, and I try to avoid crackers.

My addiction thinks being sick or injured means it is okay to eat foods that I normally don't.
And I don't know why...nor will I waste time trying to figure out why.

I'm going to just start with step one and acknowledge that I eat foods I don't normally when I'm sick or injured.

Tomorrow I plan to go back to work.  I will have to cut back on all my medications so that I don't take naps at work :)

And tonight I'll figure out breakfasts and lunches for the next three days so I don't have to figure it out each day.

Stupid back

I apologize for not posting for a few days.  We went out of town for a party and camping, and while away my back spasmed. 
Not a little spasm...but the worst spasm I've ever had.
To say I was in pain is just not using strong enough words.

I've been on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen for 24hrs now, and have a call into the doctor for something a bit stronger.  I cannot get in/out of bed on my own and I walk very very stiffly.  There is absolutely NO bending of my body.

There is one bright side though....as I always try to find a bright side...
I can't get up to scrounge around in the kitchen.
My girlfriend (who has been my ANGEL so far) is making my breakfast, then I'll make a shake for lunch.  Since we're back from vacation, there is hardly any food in the house, so no munching for me.  I'll have a plan for supper before she gets home.

Going to sign off now, the pill is taking effect and I cannot keep my eyes open.  I hope you all are healthy and well!

what gets my goat...

There is one big character defect of mine that I have to work on quite often.

It's when it should be all about me and it's not.

I have worked at my company for five years this week.
One of the things we do for five year anniversarys is to order lunch to celebrate.
I usually place the order, but get whatever the person wants to eat.

This time it's my celebration, so it should be all about me.  What do *I* want to eat.

I chose BBQ.  I like it because I can get it 'sauce on the side' and get a salad with it. 
The meat comes with two sides and muffins.  I chose corn and slaw as my sides as I decided corn would be a nice change and I like their slaw.  I don't know if I'll eat either of these sides since I ordered a salad, but those were the sides I chose.

I was talking to some fellow employees and they asked me if we were getting beans with the BBQ.  I said no, corn and slaw.  They told me to cancel the slaw and get baked beans.

So this is where my hackles shoot up.  It really gets my goat when it's my celebration, and therefore whatever I decide should be fine and accepted. 
But instead they (whoever "they" are) don't like my choice and they tell me to change it.
So what is my response?  I'm hurt and angry.

I did mention I don't even know if I'm going to EAT the side items right?!

Would a normal eater be so "offended"?  I don't know?  I am not a normal eater.
Can I think of an example of a situation where I've felt this way that does NOT involve food?  Hmmm...actually no, I cannot.

So what did I do...
First, I took 3 minutes by myself to stew about the situation.  To be frustrated and furrow my brow and to be filled with general crabbiness.

Next, I thought about the true situation, leaving my feelings out of it, and just thinking about the facts.

I care about the ribs.  I want ribs.  I am going to eat the ribs, and I don't want them sauced.  That part of the order matters and I want it the way I ordered it.

But the sides?  To me they are just that, sides, and I'm not sure if I'll even eat them.
I'm not a big fan of beans or slaw...sometimes they're good, sometimes they're not.  So really, I don't care either way.

So...does it matter if the masses want beans instead of the slaw?   Does it matter to me???

............
............
............

No, I can honestly answer that No, it does not matter to me.

So do I want to give energy to be angry that I didn't get "my way" about something that I don't even care about?
Again, I can honestly answer No.


So, I changed the order from slaw to beans.

And I'm not angry about it. 
Honestly and truly, I'm not. 

8/18/11   221

Realistic acceptance

For Today:           I will accept who I am at this moment.
That doesn't mean I will not strive to make improvements.

For Today:           I will eat what I have planned.
That doesn't mean that if I pull out the lettuce and it's rotten I will eat it anyway.

For Today:           I will admit when I am wrong.
That doesn't mean I will say things to someone that could harm or hurt them just to clear my conscious.

For Today:           I will love.

8/17/11   223

Food effects

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday and pie was on sale. 
Raspberry.
Yum.

I knew my partner would help me eat a raspberry pie so I bought it and I had two slices throughout the day.
The rest is sitting on my counter, and it is NOT calling my name.  As I previously stated, sweets are not my addiction food of choice. 

But the physical and mental effects of eating the pie yesterday are haunting me. 

I'm fighting crabbiness.  I'm quick to anger.  I'm quiet and don't want to interact with others.  I'm having intestinal issues.  And I just feel yucky all over, almost like I'm sick.

No, I don't have food poisoning.  Although I wish it were that simple.

These things happen every time I have sweets.  A normal person would deem these foods "off limits", but being the food addict that I am, I try them once in awhile.  Since these foods do not call to me, I have not added them to my "do not eat" list.  I am able to only eat them rarely because I do not like the effects of the foods.

I just wish I would REMEMBER the effect before I decide to try them again....

How much is too much?

In OA, we talk about being careful not to "pack too much into the stream of life", but what really does that mean? 
How much is too much?

I've learned this amount could be very different for each person asked.

I love to go go go.  I like to have lots of things to do each weekend, and lots of people to join me.
My partner, on the other hand, likes to have one thing to do with friends, and then lots and lots of free time for herself and us.  Two very different concepts.

So...how much is too much?

For me, too much is when I start dreading the activities that are planned, when I don't want to go and get crabby and/or in a funk.  Or, it's when I'm doing so many "extras" that I fall behind or dread the things I HAVE to do, you know, like go to work.  Yes, I have taken a vacation day just because my weekend was too overbooked.

But, because my partner and I have such differing ideas of "too much", we try our best to find the happy medium.  This isn't always the case, of course, but it's our goal. 

She has slowed me down so that I'm not exhausted come Monday morning, and I have revved her up so that she is active and surrounded by friends and meeting lots of new people.  We both agree that, although we sometimes sway to too much or too little, for the most part we work well together and we are happy and content.

So, how much is too much for you?

Movies...withOUT popcorn?

I'm going to see a movie tonight.

The dreaded movie theater...you know, the place where the smells can CONSUME an addict like me.
What to do, what to do...

I'll tell you want I'm going to do.  Three simple steps.

I go to movies AFTER mealtimes so that I'm not hungry.
I set my mind that I will not get popcorn (so I don't convince myself it's an option).
And I don't bring extra cash.......just in case!

Now...let's go to the movies....let's go see the stars!!

Bumps, lumps, and bulges

Do you ever walk down the street looking at other people and think,
HUNEY, DID YOU LOOK IN A MIRROR BEFORE YOU LEFT THE HOUSE??

I am shocked at how some people wear their clothes. 
So tight, so form fitting, and so many lumps and bumps bulging out, and they don't appear to be self conscious?

Part of me is horrified.  
It's like a train wreck.  So incredibly horrible, but I cannot stop looking.

But part of me is jealous. 

These people, many much much larger than myself, must be in a much different place than myself.  A place where, even though they don't have Cosmo's "perfect body", they are proud of what they have and want to show it off! 

That's amazing to me.

I am constantly trying to hide my bumps, lumps, and bulges.  Constantly.
I never waste an opportunity to look in mirrors or glass windows to see if things are hidden behind my clothes.  And if they're not, I suck it in. 

I wish I had their confidence.  I wish I could just see my body for what it is and have comfort with it.

Maybe someday.

8-11-11   199.5

Stewing...without meat and potatoes

I use to be a stewer...no I don't mean roast beef and potatoes (although, hmm...yumm).

I mean thinking of stressful or hurtful situations, and reliving them...over and over and over again in my head.

I say use to because things have changed, and now I have a plan for dealing with such issues.  And I know that not waiting, but dealing with the issue, or giving it to my Higher Power for Him to deal with is a MUCH better solution than me just reliving it and getting angry/hurt/frustrated over and over and over and over and over again!

I have reviewed my part in the situation and don't see anything I need to deal with, so I give my situation from last night to Him, because I can't control other peoples thoughts and feelings.  And I also give the situation from this morning to Him , because, again, I cannot control other peoples thoughts and feelings.  He can have it, because I have plenty of HAPPY things to stew about!

8/10/11  219.5

Plenty more fish in the sea.

One of the best things I ever learned is that I get to choose my friends because there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I grew up in a very small town and people were limited.  So friendships were limited.

But now I live in a VERY large city with lots of suburbs, and I get to make choices.
And real friendships will come naturally. 

If I meet you, and from the start I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, then it's not right for me.  Heck, it's not even healthy.
If I meet you, and from the start I feel like I have to do all the work (like planning all the events) then it's not right for me.
If I meet you, and from the start we are like oil and water, then it's not right for me. 
Real friendships come naturally, and you'll know when it's right.
I get to choose. 

I always knew other people got to choose their friends, but it was a new revelation for me to realize *I* did as well!

I sure hope you know YOU get to choose your friends as well. 

8-9-11  220

Instead of sleeping??

I've been struggling with sleeping through the night lately.  And by lately I mean in the last month.

I've been following the same sleeping routine that I've been following for years, but it doesn't seem to be working lately.

My routine is to go to bed around 9, and watch TV or read until 10, then I usually fall asleep.
But lately I go to bed around 9, watch TV until 10 when the sleep timer shuts off the TV, then, since I'm wide wide wide awake I turn the TV back on for another 60min. 
I fall asleep before the TV goes off, but then around 12 or 1am I wake up.  I'm not wide awake enough to move around or consider getting up, but my brain is awake.  It's like I'm in a state of extreme rest, but not asleep.
I know this happens to me when I'm cycling on things.  When I'm stressed about something and haven't processed how to handle the situation, or I know what I need to do but haven't done it yet.
But that is not the case these past nights.  I am thinking about things, but not stressed.  Just....day dreaming.

I've been trying to brainstorm why I am not fully sleeping, here are my thoughts:

1. Caffeine.  I know this affects me, so I'm pretty careful about when I stop drinking it (4pm).  Maybe I'm exceeding my cut off time and drinking past 4?
2. Food change.  This strange half-sleeping started when I went back watching my carbs.  I am told that eating low carb helps you sleep better, and that has been my experience in the past, but the timing of the two are such that I should note it.
3. Age and hormones.  My mother and my sister both spoke often of how they would have nights where they just couldn't sleep.  They would lay there and just think.  I don't know if they were awake because of stress in their thoughts or just...thinking.  But both spoke of it starting around age 40, which is the age I just turned.
4. Stress.  This could be continuing because I realize it's been happening, and I may not be fully aware of using the "will it happen tonight" as the precursor to it happening each night.

Who know if any or all of these are factors...but what I can tell you is that it is getting O.L.D.

I know I don't function well after prolonged nights of interrupted sleep, and it's certainly not conducive to my weight loss or my making good food choices.  Hence the eating of three sample boxes of cereal this weekend.  I ate two for breakfast on Saturday, and one for a snack Sunday afternoon.  I don't normally eat cereal, not even tiny sample boxes, when I'm making smart food choices.   But I was so tired, and it was time to eat, that the sample boxes were "easy". 

What is easy about it is these easy stupid choices will make the weight come back on, and FAST. 

So...tonight I sleep.  I will not have caffeine after THREE, I will go to bed right at 9, and I will shut off the TV at 10. 
And I will tell myself I WILL sleep tonight, and have confidence behind my thoughts!

8-8-11  222.5

Working out is hard to do

I have a membership at the YMCA.  There are many in the city I live.  There is one a block from where I work, and one a mile from my house.  The Y has a lot of options: classes, cardio machines, weights, swimming pool, courts, etc.  I love having options.

But there are some days that the idea of going is just too exhausting. 
I can create so many excuses:  I didn't sleep well, I don't feel well, I am hungry, I am too full, I don't want to be around people, I want to be at home, there's a really good show on tv...blah blah blah...

But I usually go anyway...MOST of the time.

Today I got up, ate breakfast, and put on my workout clothes so as to limit my excuses. 
And it worked!

I'm happy to report I went to the gym, and I wasn't even kicking and screaming.
I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, used the abductor and adductor machines, then used free weights to work my arms.

I always feel so much better when I just go and don't have to try and convince myself first. 
Now if only I could convince myself to get up and vacuum!!

I'm hungry.

How many times have I said I'm hungry and not actually been hungry?

Here are just some of the things I really meant when I said "I'm hungry".

I'm tired
I'm lonely
I'm bored
I'm happy
I'm sad
I want attention
I want you to like me
I want you to leave me alone

And those are just a small sampling.  I can't explain why I'm hungry flies out of my mouth, instead of these other words.  I'm not sure why I thought getting and eating food would solve or cure these other things I needed.   What I do know is that it didn't MATTER what else I needed, I could always use food to cover up my other needs or wants or feelings or thoughts. 

It's easier to say I'm hungry and then eat instead of having to face rejection by stating something I really need or am feeling.
And there is a lot less fear involve when I tell someone I'm hungry instead of you are not good for me and I need to leave.

So many reasons to say I'm hungry when I actually wasn't hungry.

However, things have changed for me.  Now I only say I'm hungry when my stomach is actually growling. 
Wait...that's not 100% true.  I do sometimes say it other times, but thanks to learning so much from OA, I quickly follow up the untrue I'm hungry by no wait, I'm tired or I'm lonely or I'm bored or I'm upset.

I am FAR from "fixed" in this area, but I'm much improved and working on it one day at a time!

By the way, my stomach is growling quite loudly right now and I'm hungry!


8/5/11   221.5

Must we whether the weather

I am an outdoor person.

Gardening, hiking, camping, fishing, mowing, painting, washing the car, de-furring the cat, or reading.  I don't care as long as I'm outside.

However...I'm a weather-baby.

I do NOT like hot humid weather.  I don't want to breathe it, I don't want to sit in it, I don't want to even go outside when it's hot and humid.
In my perfect world, the weather is anywhere from 25-75 degrees, no humidity, and sunny with a slight breeze.

That has not been the weather pattern this summer, and although I have no power over it, I'm mad.

Did you know it's August???  That means June and July are OVER!  I've MISSED them.  They're GONE. 
Half my garden is done already and nothing new is really starting to grow!  I cannot believe it.
And I can count on one hand how many times I've been able to comfortably sit on my back patio which is my most favorite place to be.

However...I am powerless over the weather.  I am powerless over the passage of time. 

But...I am not powerless over my anger about it.

What a waste of time to be angry over that which we have no power.  Being angry in those situations does nothing but weigh me down, take up my space in my brain, and as I just said, waste my time.

Well I'm not going to feed my anger any more.  I will NOT be angry over the weather, of which I have no power.  I will NOT be angry that I missed much of the summer because I was inside in the air conditioning.  I will NOT waste my time on that which I am powerless. 

Now, I must disclose - it is possible that I am aware and able to make these statements with certitude because, as I type this, I am sitting outside in the shade and it's a beautiful calm 75 degree evening, but let's ignore that fact and pretend like I had a breakthrough, shall we???


8-4-11   221

Was it worth it?

I have issues with foods, I would never dream of denying that.

But sweets are not my #1 food of choice, so I don't deny myself all sweets (although I certainly limit them).

And yesterday was a prime example.
Of all the foods offered during my food trifecta (see post from August 2, 2011), I succumbed to one item that I hadn't planned on.

Still-warm strawberry rhubarb pie. 
The crust was crunchy, the rhubarb was tart, and the strawberries were sweet.  I ate my one piece, and was very very very very full but satisfied.

And was it worth it?  

Absolutely!!

8-2-11  221.5

Food Trifecta

I'm having "one of those days"...a food trifecta. 

I started my day at a seminar.  I assumed they'd have some pastries, so I ate a full breakfast before attending.  However, they had a full breakfast WITH pastries.
I added about 1/4 cup scrambled eggs, 2 sausage links, and 2 pieces of pineapple to my breakfast, but strategically avoided the pastries and hash browns.

For lunch, my office was having a celebration so we ordered pizza, wings, and salads.  I knew this was happening and had planned to have six wings and some salad.  All good so far...
But at 2, desserts were being delivered as part of the celebration.
An Oreo cake, a Carrot Cake, and a Strawberry Rhubarb pie (which is my fav).

My plan was to avoid the kitchen until everyone else had theirs, and if any pie was left, I would have a piece.

HOWEVER....when the pie arrived...it was still warm. 
Y.U.M.

So I had a piece BEFORE everyone else had theirs.  SLIGHTLY off in my timing, but not off plan.

Now tonight we're having a block party to celebrate National Night Out.  A Potluck.  (did you notice I capitalized Potluck?  That's how important they are to me!!  LOL)

I am bringing chicken wings and fruit so that I know I have something I can eat.

I've had my sweet for the day...I'm good...I don't need anymore. 
I mean that, sweets are not my thing.

However...if there are carby items...those ARE my thing. 
Breads, potatoes, noodle salads, etc.

So...tonight my plan is to avoid temptation.  I eat what I have planned (wings and fruit with any green-veggie salads).  I chat, I visit, I play games, I mingle, I check out the firetrucks and police cars that are coming, I do many other things INSTEAD OF EATING.

I can do this...I know I can.  Screw the trifecta.

Reflective glass, friend or foe??

My office is full of glass.  Glass doorways, glass windows (duh), glass office walls, glass glass glass.
And a lot of the glass is reflective.  In essence, my office is a house of mirrors.
ACK!

What's odd is that in SOME of the glass I think I look pretty good, but in others...YIKES!!
I don't think the interior glass is different from one wall to the next, but boy howdy can my IMAGE be different!

Also, I try to walk outside when the weather isn't broiling hot (and yes, I did mean BROILING), and most of the buildings have reflective glass.  I find myself staring in the windows as I walk down the street.  Checking out my posture, my muffin top, my thighs, my outfit, my hair, everything.

And I don't think this is a bad thing. 

I worry when I'm AVOIDING looking at myself.  I need to see what I look like...what I REALLY look like.  For me, knowing is so much healthier than avoiding.  Granted, this may not have been the case when I was 320lbs, but I have come a LONG way, and it needs to be celebrated!

Plus, the minute I stop looking is when my dress will be tucked up into my pantyhose...

8/1/11  224lbs