Stability - what the heck is that?

I don't know what it's like to be at a weight for a period of time.  I don't think I've EVER been the same weight for more than a week.  Therefore it's kind of freaking me out that my weight is so stable right now.

There have been to sabotages, no "I'll eat that just today", or "but it's (insert any special event).  I have been at the same weight (within 2lbs) since July 14th.  That's a month and a half....weird.

A normal eater would never understand my confusion at this new and awkward situation of stability.  But that's exactly what it is for me, new and awkward.

But I sure hope to make it a habit.

Down 55.  I had to reevaluate my goal weight because I've been working out so much and it says I only have 25 pounds to go to my absolute goal weight.  But even if I stayed right here I'd be giddy.

It's still working!!

49 pounds!!  I'm down 49 pounds!!

This mixture of Overeaters Anonymous fixing my head, and a low carb diet fixing my body, is WORKING!!
Today I was told I look like I below on a runway....well I don't know about that, but I'll take the compliment!!

I still have 36lbs to hit my goal weight.  I've never (as an adult) been at that goal weight so I'm only guessing as to what it could be, but that's where I'm headed.

I am still taking lots of classes, but they've switched them up for the summer.
Monday is Chisel (working all parts of the body)
Tuesday is 20/20 (see last post)
Wednesday is Core and More (abs and ???)
Thursday is Power Pump (see below)
Friday is Butts and Guts.
And the weekend is dog walking.

Power pump - holy moly.
We work one muscle group for the length of a song, so about 4 minutes.  It focuses on endurance with the muscles.
It's only one song, only four minutes, but you're muscles are BURNING by the end of the four minutes.
And it feels great!

I'm still using light weights during the classes, but that's okay. I'm there, I'm working, I'm burning it off!

The food front has been good.  I'm still cooking on the weekends so I have food prepared and ready for mealtimes.  It's such a help to not have to squeeze in cooking at the meals. 
Since it's summer I'll have more fresh veggies, which means more salads which are prep-at-mealtime, but that's okay.  It's so fresh it's worth it.

How are you doing??  Eating well?  Working out?  Enjoying the summer?

Working My Ass Off - literally

First of all, I finally weighed after two weeks of ignoring the scale.  And BOOM, down four pounds!! That puts me at 42 pounds of melted off fat since I restarted my weight loss attempts!  Wahoo!

Second, I have been going to classes at the gym in my office building.  I was terrified at first because I was pre-embarrassed about all the things I assumed I wouldn't be able to do. I was worried about the attention that would be drawn to me because I would be standing there while others did the activity that I wasn't able to do.  I was already dreading the questions and shunning looks from others about the sweat that would be pouring off of my face after barely doing any of the movements.

But I now admit, I was so very wrong with my assumptions.

On Mondays I go to a class called Arms and Abs.  And yes, we work on our arms and our abs.
On Tuesdays I go to 20/20 which is 20 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of strength.
On Wednesdays I go to Butts and Guts...it's all squats and crunches.
Thursdays I usually take the day off.
Fridays I go to Circuit which is where they set up 6-7 stations and you spend about 4 minutes at each station.

I LOVE the classes.  No, I cannot do all the exercises. Yes, I have to ask for alternate movements sometimes.  No, no-one else cares because they're all busy doing their own workouts with sweat pouring off all our faces.  And yes, I hurt after sometimes, but it's a good thing - it's a deserved hurt because I'm working muscles that I sometimes feel I must have never worked before.

I'm having so much fun and I've gotten to know many others at the gym.  So much so that I was chosen as Member of the Month!  I'm flattered and thrilled!  And I get to show off a picture of myself.  I haven't taken a picture since I've lost the 42lbs.  I'm glad I finally had a reason to take a picture because I'm looking FAB-u-lous!

I know you all are looking fabulous too!

Two Great Things

Hello everyone!  I apologize for being so quiet as of late.  It's not that I haven't wanted to check in, I have just been busy enjoying spring.

I set a goal in late March to take the dog and visit all the state parks within 2 hours of my home of which there are TWENTY-FIVE!    Since I made this goal I have visited four.  And I'm loving it!
It's beautiful watching the parks "green up".  It's not very wet here so the trails are dry and it's still can be chilly so there are not many people, which gives the dog and I the sense that we are out in nature alone.  And anytime I feel alone in nature is when I feel most connected to my Higher Power.
Nice.

But I know I could only be doing these hikes because I have found a deeper abstinence which is helping me shed my excess pounds.  And those shed pounds are giving me energy, stamina, and strength to go up and down bluffs along the river, to go five miles at a time, and to catch myself smiling while doing it!  What a great thing!

But I did title this TWO great things didn't I.

The other great thing...When I started regaining weight, I put all the clothes that didn't fit in a big tub.  About a month ago I went through it and tried some things on and about 1/3 of the tub mostly fit but I only took out about five items but that's all that really fit me.
But last night I got out the tub again and tried everything on and EVERY SINGLE ITEM FIT ME!!  Holy crap?!  Approximately 6 pants, 6 jeans, five skirts, about 15 shirts, and 7 dresses!  And 80% of the items are summer-wear which means I have CLOTHES that FIT again!  And I didn't have to go SHOPPING (I loathe shopping).
The clothes are timeless in the fashion sense, are cute, and show off my new figure!  What a great thing to happen at the end a week that was kind of crazy and stressful. 

What's that you ask?  I mentioned a new figure but didn't talk about it??

Well, I don't exactly know how much I've lost because I made a deal with my sponsor to stop weighing for a couple weeks.  But in October I was wearing 18W and barely wearing those.  But everything in the box was either an XL, or a misses 16 or 14!!!!  I cannot believe it!  I knew I had lost weight but since I didn't shop for new clothes I didn't understand the extend of what I'd lost.  So the jump from the "W" to a "misses" means I'm losing my hip and thigh girth, and then to drop two sizes??  Nice!

So that's what's up with me. 

I'd love to hear what's up with you??? 

What to do when things are working so well??

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately...but weirdly, things are working so well I'm struggling finding things to talk about??

I am down 38 pounds from my high in July 2014!  I have roughly 43 to go.  If I hit my current goal, it will be a total of 155lbs lost.

My clothes are getting too big to continue to belt.  My skirts are falling off.  I've had to get rid of half my jeans.  My new-last-year summer shirts have been given away because they are so sloppy.  But please understand, I am NOT complaining about it ONE BIT!  I am celebrating.

This weekend I'm going into my "skinny clothes bins" for hopefully the last time to see what else fits.  I am hoping my last two jeans fit so I have more than three pairs rotating through.  Also, I'm going to have to break down and go shopping.
I.Hate.Shopping.

Actually, I hate spending money, especially on clothes. I have yo-yo'd for so many years that I see buying clothes as a waste of money.  When you are a different size all the time (whether going up the scale or down) your clothes never wear out but you cannot wear them anymore.  Annoying for a frugalist like me!!

I have felt so very free with food lately.  What does that mean?  I plan it in advance and I don't have to think about it again. There is never that "I'm so hungry I cannot even think straight so I'll grab the first fast thing I can" issues. I don't let my food addict decide I am hungrier than I thought and inhale food until I feel miserable then suffer for hours.  I don't sit around grazing all night long on crap that goes right to my hips and thighs.
I eat healthy and I eat correct amounts, and I don't feel hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Wow. 

So, that's why I've been quiet.  But I will come up with some topics and get back to writing.

Thanks for reading!

Death by food

Yes, people really do die because of food.  And I'm not talking about choking.

A good friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers about a month ago.  Honestly he was the biggest person I'd ever met face to face, and being in OA I've met some big people.
His story was that he was a thin man until his mother died, then he filled her void by eating.  And when his father died, he filled that void with eating as well. 

Recently he was moved into a nursing home because he lived alone and couldn't walk anymore.  My friend went to visit him a couple days ago and said he looked and sounded great, was doing really great.

That night he died.  When they left he ate an entire pizza and, ultimately, it killed him. 

Hard to imagine that people can eat because of food, right?  I have eaten until I was so full it hurts to move, or to sit up, and I have even eaten until it hurts to breathe.  But it's true, we can eat until our bodies just give out and cannot take another bite.  Whether it's our hearts, stomach, lungs, veins, etc, something gets to the point where it just cannot function anymore and we die.

I don't want to die because of food. There was a time in my life when I was over 300lbs and lived alone that I wanted to die, but even then I didn't want it to be because of food (of course at the time I thought that people didn't KNOW I had issues with food *snicker*, ah the games we play in our minds).

I am so very grateful for my Overeaters Anonymous program.  I am grateful for friends and family that understand my disease.  I'm grateful for a higher power that guides me when I am struggling.  I'm grateful for food, and extremely grateful that it doesn't run my life anymore.
The pack order has switched.  It use to be

Food

Everything else

Now it's

Higher Power

Everything I love

Everything I don't love

Food

Still in the pack order as it is a big part of my life, but it's at the bottom. It's there because I need it, not because it has any power over me. 
So grateful.

Steps to handling unplanned events

I had a BIG weekend in mid March!

The Friday was my 11th anniversary.
The Saturday was a St Patrick's Day party, then Saturday night was my company's annual party.
So, how to plan for these type of events??

Friday was easy.  My lovely partner suggested we go to sushi.  I said maybe, then went to myfitnesspal and put in some potential foods I would eat.  Yes, I could do it by eating sashimi, but it wasn't what I would have wanted to eat while there (I love the rolls) so why, when I don't have to, would I put myself in a situation where I had to claw at the seat so I didn't grab at the food?
Instead I mentioned the idea of going to a movie as our activity.  We love movies but she rarely has time to go.  So when I suggested that she jumped at the chance.  GREAT!

• Step 1 - decide if the event/party/plans are what you want, something you can handle no problem, or worth the risk. 

Saturday St Patty's day party was easy, they posted all the food they were serving.  So I could just figure out what I was going to have an the amounts.  Planned and done.

• Step 2 - plan out everything you can so you are aware of your planned numbers in case you are thrown any curve balls.

However, at the party I was thrown a curve ball.  She made some kind of chocolate dessert but since I don't eat chocolate she made me my own mini cheesecake in it's own little pie crust.  Not something I planned for and I had to make a gametime decision about since there was excitement about the offering to me.

• Step 3 - If thrown curve balls make a decision by using your head and the counts you are confident about from step 2.  No matter what you decide, be strong with your convictions, no matter what the other person might think.  Stick to what you decided.

I took the mini cheesecake and thanked my host greatly.  Because I was so aware of my counts I knew I could give up a tablespoon of carbs so I had two mini bites totaling about a tablespoon, told her how fantastic it was, then took the rest home for later.  If I didn't have the availability of my carb counts I would have packaged it up and told her I was too full but would eat it later.  I cannot lose my abstinence because I'm trying to please someone else.  And if I had a problem with cheesecake (if I couldn't take just one bite and stop eating) then it would not have been an option and I would have gladly packaged it up but thrown it away as soon as I found a garbage can after leaving her house. Literally, not drive it home, but stop at a gas station or a park and dispose of it immediately. If I knew I couldn't do that I would explain to the host that I love that she though of me but I cannot take it because it's not on my plan of eating.  I refuse to put myself in front of temptation just to please another person.  I cannot, because then my addict wins.

So I moved from the St Patty's day party to my company's annual party.  All I knew about the menu in advance is that there would be plenty of meat.  I knew the appetizers would be charcuterie (trays of meats) and that we'd have four courses with wine pairings.  I heard the courses would probably be two fish, a pork, and a beef.  I also knew that the portions would be smaller in size than a normal serving. 
So with that I could come up with a basic plan. 

• Step 4 - Create a plan, even if you're not exactly sure what will be available.  It's best to start with something rather than nothing.

I knew the four courses of meat would total a "meal" so I programmed that much food into myfitnesspal.  Then I calculated some slices of meat from the charcuterie trays.  I put in a few slices of hard salami.  Saw my protein numbers so I would know how many slices I could get without going extremely overboard in my protein.

However, when the courses arrived the meats were covered in bits of this and that. 

• Step 5 - Account for everything that goes into your mouth.  Even a nibble can set off the mind when you don't have to account for it.

I asked the servers questions and gained as much knowledge as I could when eating so that I could update my food plan after the event.  I accounted for every topping I could decipher and the rest I left to my Higher Power. 

So, how do I feel about my weekend? 
It. Was. Fantastic.

I feel good about my food choices.  I feel good that I wasn't focused on the food between courses, I was focused on the people and the conversations.  I feel like my Higher Power was strong within me and helping me make the best choices possible.

And, as an added bonus, I didn't gain any weight from my party-filled weekend.

Woohoo!

Survived the Illness!!

Well I SURVIVED!

I had influenza that had me on the couch for five days with a fever and body aches, then a massive cold set in so over the next 8 days I lost my voice, couldn't breathe, couldn't stop coughing, and couldn't get enough sleep!

But through it all I planned and recorded my food and stuck to my plan.  No lame excuses allowing foods that are not acceptable, no voice in my head justifying going off plan, NOTHING! 

As much as the illness sucked, it was one of the best illnesses I've ever had! 

Also, I have now lost 30 pounds.  THIRTY POUNDS!!  Back when I first lost my 120lbs of weight there was a 10lb range that I hung out at, and I am currently at the high of that 10lb range.  I cannot remember the last time I have been here.  Such a relief.  And to have gotten here without much more work other than planning my meals within certain guidelines, and committing that food to another person, and sticking to my plan.  It has been that simple. 

I'm so grateful that I have done my step work so I don't have all the mental games going on while sticking to this plan.  I'm grateful for my experience with the 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous.  I'm grateful I have cleaned up my side of the street and don't have historical crap clouding my judgment.  I'm grateful for my food sponsor that hears my food each day.  And I'm grateful for other compulsive overeaters so that we never have to do this alone.

I hope that anyone reading this blog has found a plan that works for them, whatever the plan since I believe there is not one plan for everyone.  And I hope that you have as much serenity while following your plan as I have with mine.

Still Sick

Just wanted to give a really quick check in to let you know I haven't been blogging because I'm STILL sick!
Whatever bug I caught has put down roots and set up (what seems like) permanent residence in my system.

But my food and eating are on track and I have lost 2 more pounds, so I'm at 29lbs down!  Woot!  I have been forcing myself to eat at least 1200 calories a day which has been difficult some days since NOTHING tastes good.  Most items remind me of rotten milk - blech!

I'll be back soon (hopefully) to write more.

In the meantime, stay healthy!!!

Food addiction and illness

I went to bed at 7:30 on Sunday and woke Monday with a fever of 100.  I don't exactly know what is wrong with me (I'm coughing but nothing major) but I cannot seem to shake this fever.

Here is the problem.  My history is that I EAT when I'm sick.  There is no 'starve a cold, feed a fever' or vise versa.    It's feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a bruise, feed a bump, feed a cut, feed a sniffle, etc.

When I wanted a good binge I use to call into work "sick" so I could eat all day.  Or if I was actually sick I would still be able to put on clothes enough to run to the store to buy soup plus a million other things I didn't need like boxes of crackers and pounds of butter.  Because when you eat a healthy can of soup, you need ROWS of saltines covered in butter to go with it, right???!!!

Wow.

But this time I'm on plan.  So...is it different?

I made my food plan right away on Monday morning.  And I was able to stick to it!  And that is really saying something because I was hungry ALL DAY LONG!!  Actual stomach growling hunger!  I did add a second helping of sunflower seeds but not before checking my numbers to make sure it didn't put me over the edge (and it did not) but otherwise I only ate what was planned.

WAHOO!!

Now today I'm at work.  I still have a fever but with Tylenol it's below 100.  However I'm still fighting hunger.  But it doesn't matter because I have a plan and I'm going to stick to it! 

There is no amount of WANTING to eat that is going to destroy my abstinence for today.  My desire to maintain my abstinence and therefore keep my peace and serenity is so much stronger.  With my Higher Power's help I can DO this.

Drop it like it's hawt!

My stall is over!!
I have final broken below the 220s with my weight! 

I. Am. Giddy.

I haven't weighed this amount in many years.  Maybe 5?   Five years of whining about my increase in weight.  Five years about my fear of my body ballooning all the way back up to my highest weight (320).  Five years of eating and eating and eating.

I know I have to keep on keeping on in order for the weight to continue to fall, but I don't feel fatalistic about the idea of keeping on?!  Being accountable to another person about the food/caloric drinks that go into my mouth has been a life saving event.  I know it sounds hard and it sounds scary, and maybe it was at first.  But I am reaping the rewards which makes all the hard and scary that "my will" keeps carrying on about seem silly and exhausting.

To think that the simple act of planning my meals, and sending the plans to another person has helped me lose 27 pounds???  That's amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

Thanks God for Overeater Anonymous, the program that introduced me to methods I didn't want to try but that actually work.

Bit of a set back

I was doing so well, then the scale betrayed me!!
It jumped up THREE pounds!!
THREE??? 

And then it had the gall to STAY up three pounds!  How rude!

But it did get me thinking about my food, my life, my eating and here is what I decided.

1.  I cannot eat a "low carb" tortilla or pita or flat-out for multiple days in a row.  My body just doesn't work well with them.  I can have them, just not once a day every day for over a week.
2.  Traveling causes my weight to fluctuate.   My father-in-law passed away so we were away from home for four days.  I had enough control over my food, but just traveling in a car, being sedentary, all the stuff that usually accompanies me when traveling usually causes the scale to go up.
3.  I must eat more vegetables.  I get lazy, especially in winter when very few veggies are "fresh".  I am not a fan of salads unless they are smothered in meat and cheese and BACON!  So eating a salad everyday isn't a good vegetable for me.  I need to ramp it up and get back to eating some greens, steamed broccoli and green beans, and stir-fry's full of zucchini and Bok Choy.  Anything to up my veggie intake.
4.  I need to get back to exercising regularly. I don't have to work out for 4 hours a night, but a 30-45 minute walk with the dog, or an hour at the gym moving around on the machines, or taking an aerobics class at the gym will keep my metabolism humming.  Move it or lose it right?

The scale has finally dropped back down 2 pounds, but I'm not yet back at the weight I was two weeks ago and that is weighing on me (pun intended).  

However I'm NOT going to freak out. 
I'm NOT going to start exercising like a fiend and killing my body beyond what it can take.
I'm NOT going to starve myself.  

I'm just going to keep on keeping on and remind myself that, yes I need to pay attention to my food and weight and do the work I know I need to do to lose weight, but that ultimately God decides when I will lose weight.

For today, I will do the work that I need to do to be healthy and give the rest to God.

Still here, still chugging along

Hey everyone, just wanted to check in and say I'm still working my program and following my food plan!

I just got back from my partners mothers house (MIL).  Her boyfriend of 18 years passed away so we went for a long weekend to attend the funeral.

MIL is admittedly addicted to sugar.  Everything she makes has brown or white sugar in it.  EVERYTHING.  I even found out she adds sugar to her deviled eggs!
So I brought some of my own food, cooked some myself, and some meals we ate out.  There was only one meal I ate that she cooked and I didn't like it so I only ate a little (flavored chicken brats cooked in beer, brown sugar, and onions-blech) then instead ate some leftover hamburger I had cooked.

My point is that I cannot, nay WILL not, be afraid to speak up for what I need. I cannot be afraid to find my own food if something is not right.  And I cannot take on others peoples feelings if they seem offended.  MIL knows all about my eating/food plan, so if she chooses to be offended, that is on her.  I, of course, am nice about it and to her, but following my food plan give me sanity and I am better equipped to handle her and the entire visit if I stick to it.
Hope you're able to stick to your plan today!!

Back....again

Wow, it's so hard to believe I haven't posted since April of 2013?! 
Guess I wanted to eat more than I wanted to blog INSTEAD OF EATING.

However I had a epiphany in November.  Something finally clicked for me.
After 16 years of fighting it, I finally have a food sponsor. 

Wow, sounds great right??  But what the heck does that mean?

It means I am accountable to another person for everything I eat. 
Every evening (or the next morning, depending on my schedule) I go to Myfitnesspal.com and report what I plan to eat that day, along with making any corrections to the previous day's food.
Then I can create a .pdf of the two days and I send it to my food sponsor.

It has been amazing.  I have lost 13lbs since 11/20.  That's right.  I lost weight over the holidays.
Unbelievable, but true!

I commit to blogging more each week and to telling you more about my life, all the ups and all the downs.

Is anyone still out there??