Birthday desserts

Today is my birthday...I am 41.

I belong to email lists of some of my favorite restaurants because you can get some good deals.
However, what is with the "free dessert" on your birthday?  Why is it always dessert? 
Why can't we get a free app, or a free drink?  Why always some huge, carby, sweet, made-for-four dessert?

I have been offered FIVE so far (it's only 4pm), and have only accepted one.  The only reason I took that one is it was little donut things, and I ate 2 and gave away the other 6.  I turned down the big cookie brownie ice cream "that feeds four" treat, and the three other "any dessert on the menu" birthday treats offered via email.

But I absolutely remember the days when I would collect each and every one of those free desserts.  I would go to a restaurant, and because it was my birthday I would splurge and get an app, a cocktail, a full meal, then eat and entire dessert.  And I would do this every night for my birthday week!  Thinking about it now, I can remember how bloated and miserable I felt - but it was MY day (week), so I had to make it special ("special" always meant something with food).

I am grateful that I do not have to live that way anymore, I am grateful I do not have to eat myself into dessert oblivion JUST because it's my birthday.  I choose to celebrate the day without having to suffer a food hangover tomorrow.

Pain to relieve pain??

I have a lot of physical issues.  However, at this stage, I do NOT let it stop me, so please don't think this is a post of me just whining...

This month I'm dealing with a pain in my foot I've had for four months.  It's in the arch and it's causing me to have leg cramps first thing in the morning.  Horrible.  So I went in and got some meds.  While I was there I told the Dr that my hip pain was coming back (I've had hip pain for 20yrs and get a cortisone shot to keep it at bay) but I wasn't ready for a shot yet, then joked I'd probably be back in a week for a shot.
Stupid me.

I called exactly one week later and needed the shot...badly.
A cortisone shot in the hip is a very painful thing.  VERY VERY painful.  There is usually screaming or sobbing or swearing, or all three during the shot - I just cannot help it.  BUT, as soon as the shot is done, there is usually relief.  So I'll gladly take a short amount of pain to relieve longer term pain.

My question to God (if I were to have the opportunity to ask) is was I made with some "errors" to give me character, or are all these hip/back/pelvic/food/etc etc etc pains from being 320lbs?  Or, is it just a lovely combination of both (yuck).

Drama-free bubbles!

My old self - prior to working my OA program - would be GIDDY right now. 

My work is FULL of drama right now. 
I am part of a three person team.  I am the lowest rung.  And the two other people on my team are fighting.  They are only communicating through email.  They walk by and ignore each other.  They just are acting very childish!

And both of them are trying to drag me into the fight "on their side".   They come into my office and talk about the other one.  They ask me to "pass on" information.  They tell me it's my "job requirement" to share info. 

But I have built a drama-free bubble around me.  I ask them not to discuss the issue with me.  I tell them I am uncomfortable with the conversation.  I tell them to go talk to the other person because I do NOT want to be involved.

THAT is me working my program.  That is my new self doing what needs to be done to keep myself serene, happy, and actually sleeping through the night.  I am exhausted at night as my drama-free bubble takes a lot of energy to hold up, but have no regrets as I am not gossiping, I am not "creating" drama, and I am not involved in their dispute.

Do you stay out of the drama, or do you come with a big spoon and stir it up?

Easter eating

This weekend is Easter.
I am a firm believer in God, but I am not a believer in "organized religion" or "church".  Therefore Easter for me is a time for family get-togethers, and those usually means FOOD!!!

I am going to my in laws this weekend as they hold their family reunion at Easter-time every year.  My mother in law is hosting, so we have to go and serve.

I prefer when she hosts.  She always does a white linen lunch.  We even have to get out a measuring stick and measure the distance of the plate rim to the edge of the table.  We have to shine all the silver and wipe down all the crystal.  It's work. 
But that work removes me from just sitting and eating.  It's not about the food when she hosts, it's about catering.  About making sure others have what they need.  It's about impressing.  It's about a LOT of things, but not about the food.  And that is just fine with me.

We all receive a basket during this reunion event.  It will be full of chocolate and Easter treats which I do not eat.  Nor do I have the desire (thank you God!).  So I'll bring all that stuff to work and put in the lunchroom for anyone else to eat. 

I am so grateful that I do not have the desire to eat compulsively, that I don't have to fight urges or have conversations (or arguments) in my head.  I am so grateful for the Overeaters Anonymous program and for my comfortable abstinence.

Many blessings to you all this Easter!

One? Just one??

I stepped on the scale for my month-end weigh in today. 

I know, it's not the end of the month, but I was starting to have crazy thoughts about starving myself today to get a better number tomorrow.

Nuh-uh.  Nope.  Not gonna do it!  I'm not letting those crazy thoughts win.

So instead I hopped on the scale today.  And voila!  One pound down!

I know.  You're thinking..."one pound in the entire month, whoop-di-doo"?

But I am HAPPY about it!
Why you ask??

I am abstinent which means I do not eat the foods that make me crazy anymore (not in 13 years).   However, I still do NOT naturally make good choices.  I have to work at it.
So I have a food sponsor that I report my food to everyday.  And that food sponsor has been a great guide to me in that it makes me look at my foodplan through someone else's eyes.  She doesn't judge my foodplan or try to direct my eating.  What she does is make me think about how my foods will look on paper KNOWING someone is actually looking at them.  And for me, it WORKS!

So, the fact that this is the second month in a row that I have not GAINED WEIGHT, and that now, total, I have lost six pounds by doing nothing more than thinking about how my food looks on paper before I put it into my mouth...I am giddy!!

ONE POUND!!  WOOHOOOOOO!!!

Guilt? Or rest?

We've had beautiful weather lately, and usually March is a hibernation month.
When I say beautiful, I mean 70-80 degrees with bright sun!  VERY unusual for this part of the country.

So what's the problem??
I have guilt because I feel like I should be outside enjoying the weather.  Walking, biking, yard work, etc.
However, my body is not ready yet - it wants to hibernate.

So I fight guilt, and I "should" myself.
You SHOULD be outside.
You SHOULD be starting some plants for the garden.
You SHOULD be walking around the lake
You SHOULD
You SHOULD
You SHOULD!

And shoulding is NOT a healthy activity.

I remind myself, these will not be the only sunny days.  Although the weather says it's time, the ground is not ready for yard work.  And if I want to hibernate for a while longer, the world will continue to spin.

Reversal of self-talk.   Replacing "should" with "could", and allowing myself to have options, with all of them being acceptable. 

How about you?  Do you have to fight self-talk?

Giving up or facing the truth

Last summer I had gained 20lbs and none of my summer shirts fit.  My weight is still up there.
I bought 3 shirts and wore them (and a few older items I could stretch out) all summer long.

I. Was. Miserable.

I was not willing to face the fact that I had gained weight and I was feeling financial poor, so I suffered all summer and refused to buy clothes.

Well ta'heck with that!

I went shopping last night.  I got a pair of capri's, a pair of jeans, and 10 shirts!!!  TEN!!   And I'm ordering another 6 tonight!

I'm a big-boned person and even at my thinnest, I still barely fit into an XL because I have massive shoulders.  So, of course, now I do not fit into them at all! 
So I had to shop plus sizes..which is why I refused to buy last year.

But it was so freeing!!  And by that I mean it felt good to have things fit (or be too big).  To feel like I have clothes to wear again.  To feel like I'm not a great big blob of a human being and that all my clothes just accentuate that blubbery fact.
And yes, I did have all those feelings almost every day last year.

So, here it is.  I wear a 1X.  I look good in a 1X. It fits my shoulders and you cannot see all my back bra lines and "bumps" surrounding them (I hate that on me-ick). 

This weekend I'm cleaning out my closets and drawers.  I'm going to pack away all the clothes that do not fit me...and if by NEXT summer they still do not fit, I will not even open the containers, I will just give them away. 
I am done torturing myself with a closet full of clothes that don't fit (or I'm even afraid to try on).  It is not worth it...but I am!